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Monthly Archives: October 2010

can’t go that route


I’m so confused

I don’t know what to think

I feel like I’ve been really used

and my hopes begin to sink

You know what?

once upon a time

i thought of you and me

and once upon a time

i thought that we could be…

But heaven knows that i was wrong

and you know that too

guess we both know this won’t last long

and we both know what we have to do

we have to end this

& we have to end it now

though we can argue what “it” is

it doesn’t matter any how

You know, i’ll miss you

i wish we could make it work out

but when i turn and face the truth

i realize we can’t go that route

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Sick to the stomach. must reverse


There are some people in my past for whom i used to care. It’s funny how my feelings turn from sweet to sour, just like that. Maybe i didn’t quite state that right… Let me clarify: he makes me sick.

SICK FEELINGS:

Legit: looking at a photo of us then, makes me sick to my stomach, no joke. It’s weird. because, i’m not sure whether that feeling means I miss him, love him, or I hate him, or have residue humiliation… all i know, is that i don’t like weird feelings in my stomach. so i don’t like looking at those pictures.

TRAIN IN REVERSE:

My mind goes on this train in reverse of all that went wrong, all that was right, all that i loved, & all that i hated. all that i saw, all that i thought i saw, all that i missed, & all i saw wrong. funny how 90% of those comprised of what i thought i saw, what i missed, and what i saw wrong. i didn’t see much accurately at all.

Damn, the TRUTH HURTS.

But as much as it hurts, i can’t bring myself to burn the printouts, to tear those pages out of my journal, or to untag myself on facebook. It’s like i want to forget, but i want him to remember or something. or i at least want proof of it there. i don’t get it. i really don’t want it back. i really don’t.

WONT ERASE

actually, u know why i wont ‘defriend’ him? it’s because I want to be able to trace him down later, when I am something great in life. When all he said was wrong, turns out right. I want to be able to find him; rub it in his face, & say, ‘i told you so. i was right. eat that.’

HIM THEN:

–sad thing is, by then, he’ll have moved on. He might be something great himself. & it will look pretty darn pathetic to go & do that. but somehow, i just want it there. i just want it there so that if he stumbles across me again, he can’t be like..’naw, that’s not even her.’ …ohh no! he’ll know it is me. & hopefully, feel as sick to his stomach, as all the times i have put together…

SICK TO THE STOMACH. sick.

 
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Posted by on October 25, 2010 in (negative), guys/girls, journalling- pros

 

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hidden face; an unveiled heart: i’ll write my silence


I’ve let many things go unsaid in my life. many were too private, too touchy, too bold, too religious, too ‘not’ religious, too political, too romantic, too bashing-romance themed, too irrelevant. or whatever. …So, all these poems, & thoughts swim around in my journals, mind, & computer documents. For whatever reason, I find no positive reason to share these with those i know. But I do feel that I must share them.

Some of these might inspire, others offend. some will seem to speak to your life, while others irrelavant. & i’m sure many MANY of these will completely contradict each other… that’s because i’m going to be typing up & entering in journal entries & such that i’ve written over the past 15 years. & I guess i’ve changed subjects, philosophies, emotions, perspectives, & beliefs quite a bit over that time. What i wrote when i was 13 won’t apply the same way when i was 21, for example.

So read each for it’s own. You don’t know who I am, so don’t worry about that or confusion with whatever i’m writing about. Because this page/site/whatever is NOT about me! it’s about the WORDS i write… so please think only of my words, & not who I am, or what i’m going through. who knows? maybe you remember them at some point when you need them most… or they might just spawn a very controversial debate.

either way: ENJOY!

ps. i LOVE FEEDBACK & COMMENTS! please, please please, comment away.

-comment:  i am not publishing or making links to any other sites. thus, hardly any one will ever come across one of my writings. but I hope if you are one of the few, you take the time to read & comment on a few. Thanks!

 

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stop, and just BE.


We live in a world of backed up traffic, windowless offices, constant exposure to media, and relentless pressure. Pressure for MORE: more money, more fame, more things, more beautiful, more popular… sometimes it never seems to stop.

Many of us become caged within our won society. In the hussle & bussle, we become frazzled, stressed, distraught, and depressed. It is so easy to ignore our fatigue and tell our selves that if we would push ourselves harder, we would not feel that way. “PUSH!… just a little harder, a little farther, a little more…”

It’s hard to remember sometimes that no matter how much ‘more’ we become or obtain, we will never be, nor have ‘perfect’. ‘More’ will never be enough to satisfy our yearnings.

No success will last forever, no beauty doesn’t fade, no money can buy the world, and no one can win the hearts of all… As disappointing as it may seem, we are human.

We are human; and humans have faults, humans have weaknesses, humans will fail at times, and humans are not perfect. Nor are we meant to be. Because we are meant to grow.

It’s a hard fact of life: we are not perfect! & yet so many people seem to have such a hard time grasping this in reality. Parents with high expectations, athletes upon whom entire teams rely, or businessmen who beat themselves up if they are not chosen for the promotion. Nobody is perfect, and nobody can always win, or always be the best.

I used to be one of those sorts. I was far from perfect, but if I missed that shot in soccer,  if I scored ‘only’ a 98% on a test, if i was told another girl is prettier than I am, or whatever the ‘if’ matter was- I became distressed.

Life became so simpler and pleasant when I finally accepted the fact that I am not the best. Notice that wording: “I AM NOT the best.” I did not say that, “I MIGHT NOT ALWAYS be the best” but “AM NOT”. It is very important not to twist our acknowledgement. Because, all those contingent-filled phrases about ‘possibly being weak’, leave the expectation that weakness is the exception, & perfection is the rule. But it is quite the opposite.

Now, God has definitely blessed us. He offers us a way to become perfect, to reach that state of greatness. Here’s the catch: we become perfect IN HIM, not in ourselves, nor in our own ways, but in HIS WAYS. These phrases and concepts are rather cliché and well known; thus, taken for granted.  But let’s think about it for a second…

How exactly can we be IN God? well, here is the key; “BE in”. WE must find a state of BE-ing in God’s midst. Contentment is in being, not reaching, not striving, not fighting, not pushing, not running… it’s BEING. Wow. Think about that. Let it sink in. For our souls to find peace, we must learn to simply ‘be’.

…so now, i challenge you. BE. be still, be at peace, be content, be whole as you are void of action- do the hardest thing on Earth: simply DON’T DO.- simply BE.

just BE.

 
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Posted by on October 17, 2010 in journalling- pros