ever-changing girl

Not a whole lot here is still the same…

I thought small towns aren’t supposed to change?

–

Because I feel like a stranger

where I once called home..

Heck, I ruled these streets

not too very long ago…

–

But, maybe I’m wrong…

& it’s exactly how it was when i left

I’m such a different person…

with so much to regret…

–

I can’t stand to face those

Who know who i was,

because I would feel so ashamed

for all I’ve become..

–

Everywhere I’ve left,

I’ve left behind a little piece of me…

But I heard all that before

…when i wasnt listening…

–

I’m an out of control tornado,

I’m lost in a jungle of fright..

burning from the fire

I started to keep me warm at night..

–

A spinning kaleidoscope

my confusion morphs & twirls

is my picture always changing?

or am I just an ever-changing girl?

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I had you… on a frozen night

You want the truth…

here it is…

I’ll spit out

anonymous…

–

I’m in love with you

I don’t know why

But to tell the truth

I fell for you the first night.

–

i was dancing away my loneliness

twirling in strangers arms

& then i caught a glimpse of you to my right

& tried to turn on my charm.

–

You called me out from the beginning

but, hey, you still went along…

& clearly, my stragegy was winning-

Because, it wasnt before very long…

-~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had you dancing to ringtones on a gazeebo

on a frozen night by the lake.

I had you exploring mysteries of our Capital

& sharing your cherished Sweedish coat on the bay…

–

I had you teaching me how to ice-skate,

okay, you lapped me several times….

& eating picnics in the back of my car,

complete with Sprite sugar-highs…

–

I had you singing along to the stereo…

I had you taking me on a Road trip

with no destination on the map

& on the way back I may have let it slip…

–

I had slight feelings for you,

wasn’t ready for more than friends,

& we went into that twilight zone,

where I fell for you like no other hit…

–

Seriously, just a fingertip on my hand

sends a gush of butterflies flying…

You make me want to kiss you,

when you aren’t even trying…

—

So you went a way for a couple months

to train for a better position.

I dated someone else, or @ least, tried..

only problem is, I totally lied.

i’m still in love with you.

–

& now i may just move away

go back out west for my family

But I am, SO really tempted to stay

just long enough to find an understanding.

–

You know, i’d totally stay if you told me

that you want me too.

you know, i’d totally be your girlfriend.

That’s me telling the truth.

–

But here it is, honest.

I can’t say this to your face.

Cuz i’m too proud & afraid

that you’d laugh & turn away.

—

this whole mess is my fault.

I love you more than I should.

& my family wouldn’t approve.

because agnostic isn’t “good”.

–

So, if you ever find this.

if it ever crosses your mind…

to follow that girl who was crazy

& left you far behind…

–

Then, come out West to Colorado

Honey, you’d already have won.

I’d never leave your side.

cuz you had me from Day one.

—

you were twisting your watch on your wrist

said you weren’t dancing, cuz u didn’t know how

to be honest you were more than right…

but if you want, I can teach  you now…

—

wish i could tell you to your face…

 

Train… flashes

Flash- through a street of painted black gates & pretty brick buildings

Flash- past a station covered in graffiti, broken windowed panes

Flash- through a dark cold tunnel under the feet of walking shoppers

Flash- over a bridge that holds us over polluted water

–

Train tracks train-tracks on the land

Train tracks, train tracks, my life is in ur hands.

My train shoots over these old bars, I’ve trusted,

With an alarming speed for bein’ so old ‘n rusted….

–

Flash me back to a city in Mexico

That also had terracotta roofs & cobble stone.

Flash me back to some other bay bridge, painted blue

I saw out the back window as a little child somewhere when we moved.

–

Flash me back to Virginia, or Houston

With soaring trees above my head

& flash me back to a movie I once watched

with those light posts holding up lamps.

–

Flash me back train of time

Flash me forward to today

Flash me across this country

Take me, & I’ll even pay.

–

Fast forward & rewind

Cradle & zoom.

Cuz when im inside the train

It’s everything else that seems to move.

–

Life’s like that, you know.

I think everything is moving all around me

When really im the one running

But I can’t get off this train still rolling…

 

Im that crazy adventure…

I’m that barefoot dancer on a moonlit night

I’m the off-key singer @ karaoke night

Im the last to show up, & the last to leave

I’m the girl who pretends to know everything…

–

I’m that swimmer who goes out past the buoys

It aint camping if there ain’t campfire smoke in the air…

I’m the one who always goes a little past the limit

& could never turn down a double-dog-dare

–

I’m the girl who get’s the whole bar singing

I’m the girl, who get’s everyone on the court

I’m the one, who finds that girl in the corner

& makes her the guest of honor ….

–

And there, I’m sun bleached hair & golden skinned

With a body that rocks the sreets in my 80’s outfit

I lead  pool parties, bonfires, & pick up soccer games

Gotta luv that small-town-girl  fame…

–

But here, I’m just a fish out of water…

Here, nobody will follow me onto the dance floor

Here, they think I’m kinda crazy

Here, I’m pale, & cold, & I cant sing anymore…

—

i wanna take you with me.

& make you fall in love

Im that crazy adventure

so… do u wanna come?

 

In Love with the TEARS

btw, this was me writing in the perspective of someone I knew who became depressed & went crazy. I was trying to understand her perspective & why she did what she had. I stopped, because twisted thinking shouldn’t be practiced on purpose… but still, the result(this poem) is really interesting.

——————————————————————

Then through the tears

she looked up & shrugged a sigh.

Her eyes had ripples

As she finally said it right….

–

Listen, im sorry for it all

For everything I’ve done

I don’t know why I did it

I don’t know why I run

–

I never meant to hurt you

I just wanted you to listen

& I couldn’t find the words

you didn’t think it was important…

–

so I found a way to bring tears

tears are good, u know?

because tears are real & true

tears cleanse the soul

–

tears bring healing

tears bring confessions

tears bring forgiveness

tears bring relief

–

i guess im just in love with the tears

im in love with crying

but, I just cant cry tonight, and believe me

I am trying….

–

I’ll cut my arms,

& I’ll make up lies,

i’ll blame innocents,

just to make someone cry

–

i don’t want to see any real pain

just know that im still alive.

I just want to cry.

But there’s no tears left tonight…

 

Country TRUE

It’s a heart’s cry

it’s real life

@ the core of you…

You find country true

=

My brother’s in the army now.

I hope we get to be friends

Before he’s deployed from fort bliss

& I never see him again.

=

My mother drinks sometimes

Though, she’ll always deny it’s too much

Like mother like daughter,

We both need to quit that stuff…

=

My older sister was just hitched to a lad from conneticut

& I’ll be darned if she ever gets to see the sunshine

she says she’s happy with him… but she still cries…

A Texas girl held captive by love in a prison of grey skies…

=

When the truth is too hard to say it

& you aint the kind to lie.

When you can’t find another way to do it

So, you just fall down & cry…

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but you gotta be honest

so you pick up your guitar

those are the songs

that come straight from your heart….

=

America aint what it used to be

Parking tickets aint help nobody.

If my brother dies in war,

I aint too proud to be American anymore

=

When you get too honest

To even tweek the truth

Then maybe you should try writing

Some country music too…

=

It’s a heart’s cry

it’s real life

@ the core of you…

You find country true

 

To Be Honest

To be honest, I”m kind of glad

to be honest, I’m relieved

to be honest, I feel bad

that I don’t really feel anything…

–

I mean, sure i miss your company

and sure, i miss ur flattery,

& sure i miss knowing someone’s there…

& i kinda miss having a boyfriend who cares..

–

but to be honest, seeing me became a chore

& to be honest, you didn’t flatter anymore,

& to be honest, you were so distant by the end

that, we’ll be so much better off… as just friends.

–

to be honest, we both were pretending

It can be hard to give in to the ending.

We dove in deeper than we could swim

Hopefully after we surface, we can breathe again.

 

Goin on about Music & you…

They say it only gets easier with time…

Then why is today harder than yesterday?

Why are you still coming into my dreams

& why do I want to go catch a train?

–

I feel like a George Strait kinda running

A little bit of Carrie’s “so small”

I feel like a Shelton’s “Don’t make me”

& Rucker’s “Come back song”

–

now, don’t mind me going on about music,

cuz u know it’s how I speak.

I just want you to know that I know,

I was wrong about everything.

–

I dreamed about going to church last night

& the preacher used the lyrics from our song.

it was just a dream,  so it doesn’t matter, right?

But, Oh my dear, never made me feel so wrong.

–

Made me wanna go all Taylor Swift on you…

Maybe sing about another side of my door,

Jesse McCartney, just so you know..

Cuz without you, what’s forever for?

–

You know it wasn’t love, whatever…

But it also wasn’t over yet.

And now I see, I jumped the gun on us.

And don’t really know where to go next.

–

I tried to write a song about this

But I don’t know the right chords

All I know is that I change my mind.

I don’t want to live with out you anymore…

 

& start over by Staying.

One master to serve

Who will it be?

Father was answered by silence

At the end of his homily.

–

I looked down at my hands

Caressing a rosary ring…

Flashed back 24 hours

To what I was drinking…

=

I got fired from my bar

Said they’d take me back but only if

I promised to be reliable

& am willing to commit

–

Called up my dad, 3 time zones away

He said to pick my mentors & grow,

But just to keep in mind that,

they can only teach [me] what they know

=

If I choose to leave this job

I guess I don’t have to leave the state

I need to learn to break decisions down

& not to over-complicate…

–

I guess I can stay here

Guess tonight isn’t as tough as I did think

Never really occurs to me

That you can start over while staying.

=