wont be just another kiss…

Sorry, but even if I wanted to
I’m gunna have to say no.
I wasn’t going to elaborate,
but if you have to know…

I won’t be just another girl you kissed

I really am cool with ‘just friends’.
& I know you’ll probably never miss,
nor read our text chats ever again.
but at least you never stole my kiss..

u call it ego, you call it pride,
i call it classy & dignified.
I’m not easy & i wont do flings
sry if i led you on, but games aint for me…

So, let’s just shake hands
& go our separate ways
both as good,
as when we first came.

Despite the tiny risk
that this is the best i can get,
I’m not just a shoe in the store,
I deserve better than this.

I”m valuable and worthy,
to be cherished & earned…
I’m not shutting you down,
& you’re not getting burned…

I just happen to know
how ‘giving it a try’
does change everything,
& don’t ever turn out right…

written around- December 2010

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Oh baby butterfly…

Oh baby butterfly,
before you try out those wings,
please heed the wise words
of a hypocrite, like me…

You ain’t no bird,
so don’t fly in their V,
you ain’t no moth,
so don’t try blending into the screen…

& Don’t be a pleaser of they,
they who each have their own wings,
they can fly wherever they wish to,
you are the one who gets to taste the sweets

Oh baby, butterfly,
A flower is a flower,
even in your own home meadow,
you will find no power,
in the life this roamer chose…

OH baby butterfly… go home.

 

don’t end up like me…

First, they said to keep my head out of the clouds. So, i dove in & swam.
Then they told me come onto the land & put my feet on the solid ground, so i danced. Then they told me to stop moving & gather my surroundings. So I laid down, & fell asleep.
As i slept, I began to dream. . . dream that i was in the clouds again…they said ‘wake up’. but this time, i won’t.
—
I wrote this out of frustration one day, I actually feel my life is just like this… jumping through hoops trying to please everyone. But, I can honestly give you my word that YOU CAN NOT MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY! For a people-pleaser, like myself, this is aweful! I’m not a general people-pleaser, however, for those I care about & love, i would do anything to make them happy. Even to the extent of giving up college, life ambitions, & moving around the country. It’s about time for me to quit this & just figure out what I want & do that. Because, I’ve spent so long trying to figure out how to make all my big family, many friends, & mentors proud, that I lost my own sense of self. My own dreams.

I’m living, looking for an opportunity to help make someone else’s dream come true! Even with love, it’s like, i just want to be the girl of some guys dreams.. I mean, talk about dreamless & sad… MY ONLY DREAM is MAKING EVERYONE ELSE’S DREAMS COME TRUE! Which is sweet & all… but, baby, trust me. Go to sleep, get a dream, wake up & live it. live your life, inspired from within. take it from me, it’s tough living if you’re going no where…

you can’t make everyone happy… in the end you are the only one who HAS to live with what you’ve done… & you’re the only one who GETS to.

I’m not trying to be preachy here, i just really hope you don’t end up like me.

 

The closest I ever got

They told me to get over you
& they told me to face the truth
but our love had been the only truth,
that I had ever thought I knew…

Now a couple years down the road,
I really have moved on….
Don’t really miss you any more,
or wonder where you’ve gone…

but sometimes…

when I’m lost in my mind & at a red light,
channel-flipping for a song i like,
I stop on a song I’ve over-played
but for some reason, I pull my hand away…

& sing that song again…
remembering what has been…

It’s not that i love you,
or that I ever did;
but you are the closest,
I ever got to it.
—

& I don’t miss us,
wouldn’t take you back
but it’s nice to at least pretend
I had a love in the past…

All these girls tell their stories
about falling in love,
having their hearts broken
and finding “the one”…

& i just wish i could relate
to ever caring enough
to have my heart break…
—
I’m not apathetic to feeling
& I’m not afraid of him leaving me
I just wish that all the songs I sing,
i could sing about somebody…

I feel the emptiness & longing
but it’s not a hole some guy left…
This void and hungry yearning
is for someone I haven’t met yet…

I’m gunna pretend we mutually cared, …
even though I know it was not legit..
& I’ll think of you when I sing about love,
because you’re the closest I ever got to it.

written: January 25, 2011

 

Strength is more than power

Stability is more than standing up. Strength is more than power. & Hope is more than dreams.
—-
Stability means being able to stand up on your own. Hold others up. Catch someone else when they fall. Stability means balance and flexibility.
—-
Strength takes more than accepting responsibility. It takes more than acting heroically when called on. It means actively seeking chances to offer help to others in need, even before requested, or asked for. Sometimes strength involves more than just the ability to carry oneself through hard times, and help others… Sometimes, it means accepting help from someone else, sucking up one’s pride and allowing another to assist you. It also takes strength to let go. It’s not all about holding on, it can be releasing a grudge, a bad relationship, a hurt/pain, a lost loved one, or even just a bad habit… sometimes it’s letting go that proves our strength.
—-
And hope is not just dreams. After all, “dreams are not something to wait for, they are something to work for.” But hope involves something much deeper and greater than a dream. It takes a vision, and the drive to pursue it. Hope requires perseverance, dedication, drive, ambition, and initiative. It also needs to be flexible. See, hope in the future may mean, letting go of a dream, or adjusting a plan, and yet still believing it is for the best. Hope in the future -is not hope in a dream, but hope in goodness, hope in the purpose of a dream, which is ultimate satisfaction, contentment, and happiness. Hope requires forgiveness, vision, trust in the Lord, and the resolve not to give up. Hope is more than a dream; it is a daily act of faith.

 

Floating tree

They said you better get, grounded girl!
Stop drifting around so much
or you will find yourself lost in the world,
without a home-base to touch…

But, i guess I didn’t listen too well,
let my roots grow in the wind
& surprisingly enough, now…
my seed landed in the big ocean…

& now, I’m just a floating tree…
growing ever-so slowly,
now, i wonder if I will sink…
if I keep growing so slowly..

Maybe I should try & grow a branch
in the shape of a ship sail,
try to steer my floating life
away from the oncoming gale…

But I’m too stubborn & curious
to give up on chance’s game
need to know upon which shore
I shall someday lay my claim…

The wind ain’t no place to
decide it’s time to shoot out roots
but, just in case you do this too,
I will be happy to share with you my fruits…

 

if i could write the future…

if i were to write the future,
i’d make happily ever after,
come a little sooner in the book,
& fill the second half with laughter,

if i could write the future,
I’d have you happy, alone right now..
then move back & realize it’s not the same
without me laughing along…

You’d start pacing back & forth
then have love grow within you the thirst,
to fly across the country &
confess your love to me unrehearsed…

If I could write the future,
I would write us meeting again
at the garden of the gods where
we would speak all we’ve left unspoken…

you’d fall as deeply beyond hope,
of ever getting over me then,
as I already am with you now.
…I would write us back together again.

if i could write the future,
there would be no miles in between
only problem with this future…
is that I can’t dictate reality…

 

You are the Tizzy that gets me…

You are the tizzy that gets me
you are the secret love song
you are the thorn in my heart
that keeps poking me wrong…

You cut right into my life
like a fairytale prince charming
your speech & blue eyed gaze
is so completely un-arming…

I said i was done even thinking about
i said i was through falling apart
& with just one word or picture,
you come right on in & pierce my heart..

Oh you! So sorry, i guess I am a sap,
oh how? did I get dragged into that?
oh why? am I so afraid of trusting you?
if not, for falling into something true?…

And I’m spinning in circles
making excuses galore
to drown out my longing,
caught in an internal war…

stay out! come in!
listen to my better sense!

I hate you for getting me to open up,
i hate you for calling me out on my nonsense,
I hate you for listening to me say no,
& i hate that you can be so incredibly honest…

I hate how you are so damn patient,
i hate how there is no way to make you run…
I hate how you don’t believe I’m crazy
when I want nothing more than to kill someone…

I hate you for breaking all my rules!
following me as my heart withdrew,
but more than anything else,
I hate that you made me fall in love with you.

 

Define the future…

Half empty glasses…
And gloomy dark days
empty nights with
No stars upon to gaze

Half written letters
a dried up creek bed
an unopened bible
that no one ever read

it’s different world out there these days
and people have lost hope in the good
it’s all about just momentary happiness
and vague values, just do what u think u should

There’s war & and corruption
Bombs and guns
Governments killing their citizens
People mugging for fun

It needs to stop.
It needs to change.
And we can do it
It’s not to late

lies and thieves
It’s nothing new
But that don’t mean
We just let it go through

Gotta turn that cup around & it’s half full
Make the fire to see in the dark days of dread
And if there ain’t no stars to wish upon
then heck, why not use fireflies instead?

…the future aint defined but what ‘s in the past,
but by what lies ahead…

 

Make the Mystery last…

I want it to be a romance mystery.

I want a love that doesn’t quite make sense…

I want you to fall long & sweet for me.

& I want to prolong the suspense.

–

I don’t want to get you right away,

I don’t want you to always understand..

i want to work & make you work too

just to get to hold my hand….

—

I want you to wonder if I’d kiss you

for weeks before you even try

& I want to have to calm my heart

when it begins to float away and fly…

–

I know it can be easy to get caught up

in that initial rush of passion,

But we’ll only get to begin together once

& i want to do it in old-fashion…

–

We’ll have years to go farther,

we’ll have years to make our history,

but, for as long as we can,

I want to keep our romance a mystery!