Because if it isn’t you…cross my heart with fate.

I am leaving the guy tonight,
the guy you said to give a chance,
because I shall never love any one,
the way i’d love to someday hold your hand.

Because if it isn’t you…
i will never fall in love.
because if it isn’t you,
i’ll be hopelessly crushed…

i’ll be that driftwood
floating down the stream,
caught in some tree roots,
until it absorbs water & sinks…

because if it isn’t you,
i will wait until that day when I am,
& that day may never come,
but i shall never love again…

And if you say it isn’t you,
then i will loose my very best friend,
but I can’t move on to another,
because I know i’ll love you till the end.

In three weeks, I am boarding a plane,
flying over the mountains and distance between,
And I shall have five days to find the answer,
In those five days, you will decide my destiny…

because if it isn’t you,
my best friend of many years,
then i shall never love again,
yes, i cross my heart with tears…

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i can’t be a liar. im sorry…

I’m lying to myself
& i’d be lying to you
if i were to commit
that i plan to stay true…

i’m lying when we kiss,
& i’m lying when we talk,
i don’t like being a liar,
so it’s time for me to walk..

i’m sorry it’s ending so soon,
but any longer just isn’t fair,
to a guy who is as good as you,
you deserve a girl who really cares…

Oh I’m over & out, with this…
my heart will never love another…
i fell in love long ago, with a friend…
and i hate to end this thunder…

but, i’ve been in denial far too long,
the truth is way scarier than I wish…
because he is the only guy in the world,
who could hold my heart hostage like this…

he can break it in two if he says no,
but even if he rejects my desires,
i can’t hold you here as my fall back,
going through emotional fires…

So, i’m ending it tonight,
i can’t love anyone but him…
i truly tried with all i could,
but, my heart’s already chosen…

 

All along, i wish.

All along, it’s him, but there’s no way there,,,,
all along, i hear his voice, in my inner ear….

all along, you meant too much, to risk falling love,
to risk our friendship, to risk awkwardly loosing your trust…

all along, i wish i would have seen it like i do now,
i just wasn’t ready yet, so i friendly pushed you down…

all along, our hearts were bleeding with love for each other,
falsifying relationships with other people to satisfy our wonder…

and now, the distance & time & past loom before me,
between me & getting to all we were meant to be,

but all along, we were made to be, since we were born!
i beg you not to receive my confession with words of scorn…

because all along, ive been holding this in my soul,
bottled up, but i don’t know how much longer i can control,

the words, the desires, they reach for you like a crying baby,
‘hold me tight, hold me high’, will it happen? maybe…

all along, i lied to you, “i want to stay just friends’…
i knew it was the wrong time, but will my lie cost us the end?

 

alone in the middle of the crowd (stop bullying)

From the middle of the crowd,
she silently screams out,
searching for a helping hand,
everyone just laughs around…

At school, she talks too much,
and her acne ain’t going away,
every empty seat is taken,
if she tries to sit down with her plate…

Oh, why can’t you just leave her alone?
You don’t see her cry in this big room…
She runs home & screams into her pillow
as the floodgates of tears bring a monsoon…

She sees the knife in her dad’s study,
and touches it with her little fingers feebly,
her mom walks in & grabs her little baby,
just before her life was cut out of her body…

“Oh darling little girl, don’t you know?
No permanent answer fixes a temporary issue!?
Someday they shall all love you for who you are,
i know middle school is entirely too hard to get through…”

She cries into her mother’s shoulder,
all the insecurities unleashed in sobs,
this is no temporary issue she’s sure,
& questions if there is even a God…

Next day, she goes & does it again,
teacher’s pet, & other kid’s torment toy,
ain’t no angel swooping in to save her…
until ‘leave her alone’ said one weak little boy…

She won’t let the tears out here,
she silently screams from the middle of the crowd.
She looks at his pale face that blushes & leaves
& wonders if there’s another way out?

She never got to thank him, you know…
but she did move on & they loved her in time…
her acne went away, & she waited her turn to talk…
I know, because all that tormenting, was mine.

 

Darn. you. (for kidnapping my heart)

Darn you for sneaking in,
& stealing my heart from the desert dust!
while i moved & wasted time away,
you were in the background gaining trust….

Darn you for being
willing to wait & work.
for letting me walk
all over you like dirt…

Darn you, coming in disguise,
as just an old friend,
then pulling out a cloth bag,
& kidnapping everything within…

Darn you, for holding it hostage,
unknowingly demanding my attention,
by the mere fact no one else matters,
i just want to call you to talk or listen.

But most of all, darn you.
for making me fall so deep,
that i can’t even pretend to myself
i like him for more than a week…

and darn you for holding so tight,
with open hands & mysterious eyes,
that i might actually see my heart break,
it’s never been done, but for you, it just might….

 

with me & you…

I question myself all the time…
about cheerios or eggs for breakfast,
about whether to travel or buy a car,
& whether we will come to an end or last?

I debate it in my little head,
convince myself it’s not worth the fight,
then I look into your eyes,
and realize, everything is really just fine.

with me & you it’s all good,
you can’t go wrong or be misunderstood,
with me & you, we understand things,
like who we are now, is not who we’ll be…

With me & you, we love outside,
but hate the snow, cold, & wintertime
with me & you, it’s never a big deal,
And I can actually tell you everything i feel…

with me & you & our little world,
i’m gorgeous, im comforted, im your girl.
with me & you, everything is all right…
just wish it were only me and you all the time…

 

List of my faults part II

Eight, i don’t trust people anymore,
only those i knew from before…
so nine, this is going to take a long time,
& if you are still in it, then be prepared for a ride.

Ten, I still have torn questions for a friend,
miles away, i don’t know how i feel about him.
after all these confessions, i hope you can see,
i’m really not worth the promises you made to me.

Eleven, i put far too much effort into the social ladder,
though, i know social status doesn’t really matter
Twelve, I’m not an innocent any more,
Though, i wish with all my heart i could be what i was before

Thirteen, I’m grumpy when i get up in the mornings,
i know this sounds small, but i’m cranky & boring.
fourteen, how can you still want to be by my side?
don’t you hear all the points of weakness i confide?

Fifteen, so you really are okay with all of that?
with all the lies & hurt, the trust issues & my past?
Sixteen, im amazed & a little fearful it’s all a lie…
but who am I to be talking, just look at my own life!?

all im saying, is if you are going to leave my side,
just do it now, so that neither of us waste our time.
funny how i put you up to this question of staying,
when i myself, am the one with a torn heart, playing…

 

List of my faults you should know… part I

Since I see you falling for me,
there’s some things you should know,
i’m not all you think i am,
i have a past & faults that don’t show…

One, I have a tendency to mislead,
not big things anyone could call,
the small ones that hypnotize,
& make your sweet heart fall…

The kind that makes you think
i’m just as in love as you are with me,
I try not to practice my habits,
but i’m fighting my manipulative instinct

so two, I act all confident in myself,
but i’m just as insecure inside as anyone else,
three, i have a past & present i hide,
it’s a tender shameful truth that makes me cry…

four, i have stupid issues with my pride,
i need to get over my fear of not being right.
five, i’m a real hypocrite for half my life,
And i’m trying to get better, but it’s only a try.

six, i’m not as pretty as you seem to think.
take away all the make-up, & i’m sure you’d agree,
seven, i’m not always that nice to everyone,
if i feel threatened, you will see me come undone.

 

 

i like you more than being right

I really enjoy the success of being right,
I really like winning everything I try…
I’m one of those who likes to open my own doors…
but, as of recently, I like you even more….

I’m one of those who has a bedtime I make
The kind who’s picky about what I will or won’t bake..
I don’t like changing my rules for any ol’ guy,
but for you, I’m willing to totally re-prioritize my life…

I like being in my own driver’s seat when I’m out,
I like having the control to roll my windows up or down,
I like choosing my own groceries at the general store…
But, to tell you the truth… I like YOU even more…

SO, I can taking being wrong or loosing a game,
I can let you open all the doors when I walk through,
Been late for bedtime, missed some of my blog time,
But to tell you the truth, for you I don’t even mind.

I cooked a meal I don’t even like to eat,
just because I knew it was your favorite treat,
I let you drive me around in your old truck,
and instead of whining, I feel like I’m in luck…

You say you are in it for the long run, not the sprint…
I look at you.. so, that’s where my heart went!
Go ahead & stick around as long as you can,
…eventually I may even trust you to always be my man.

 

Promises are ridiculous

I’m not sure I totally buy into the concept of ‘promises’. Unless it’s a really short term promise or something we totally have control over. People throw this word around, when really we know nothing of our futures or where we will be & how we will need to react in the future. We can’t use the future as leverage over today. Use the past, use the present, use trust, use forgiveness… but don’t use a promise, because that’s cheating. it hasn’t happened yet.