you asked for it

Oh world you should know by now
not to underestimate an angry girl…
We’ve all heard stories of bloody mary,
Carrie & miranda’s gun powder worlds…

I ain’t exactly crazy
but you’re driving me insane
Trying so hard to define myself
then you go and edit away all i say….

You said you want a bad ass chick,
you say i need more attitude, so fine…
you can kiss my ass good bye
as i blow up this set with dynamite…

Please, the whole world knows this is a joke
let me be the first to laugh in your face
imagine… if i just ruin your life,
how many other people’s i will save!

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WARNING… censorship is over

So i began this website with the intention of total honesty. As certain events over this past year have occurred in my life, i found it hard to adhere to this & began to censor what material i posted. I guess i’ve been scared of the feedback. because let’s be honest- poetry can be the extreme reflections of only one small part of me. in general, i’m a pretty balanced person, but sometimes in poetry i will explore different areas of my life and take each little string as far as my imagination may stretch.

Enough of this. This is my anonymous blog. I’m making this disclaimer now: if any of this comes off as extreme, it is not me in my entirety, it’s where my imagination stretches.

And now, I’m not censoring this anymore. If it sounds clingy about a guy, desperate for attention, angry at the world, over joyed to be an aunt, jealous of a friend, spiteful at an ex, or in total zin and peace… none of these are me. they are all an expression of one thought i had.

i may come off as crazy in this. DO NOT TAKE ANY OF MY POETRY TOO SERIOUSLY. i want you to know, i’m not really this angry desperate person. but every now & then i think of these things.

So blog world…, be prepared… my imagination is about to be released to you…. just don’t come and arrest me for being psycho… i’m not censoring this anymore.

 

mid 20’s crisis. (not a poem)

Right now i’m going through a mid-20’s crisis. . . . People say a lot of things to me about it. I’m not sure I would worry if it weren’t for all the old ladies who always are asking me if I have a boyfriend yet. And if i ever met Mrs. Nancy’s nephew yet? Other people roll their eyes & just say I’m young & not to worry. But then they always follow with some sort of odly discomforting closure such as “maybe you’re just not ready yet” or “you just wait… and he’ll find you”….

That was easy to hear like 5 years ago & i believed it then. but when I”m a bridesmaid in 2 weddings just this year & all my friends are having baby & wedding showers, it’s not so comforting. I mean, there isn’t even like a potential guy around. I don’t have a crush on anyone…. besides JJ watt, (a profession football player for the Texans) who it’s safe to say, has no idea i exist…

And I’m starting to get wrinkles around my eyes. I’m not really a superficial girl, but I freaked out! I feel like I’m getting older and older so fast now. And while i love being alone here in the mountains, i wonder if isolating myself here is really the best thing. I came for the peace and family. But i’m never going to meet anyone here…

And then my 30 yr old single cousin told me that if i wait too long all the hot, good catches will be slim to none by the time i get to his age… they have already been married off….

And being a girl doesn’t make it any easier. If i were a guy, I might go into the city & try asking someone who seems cool on a date every now & then… but as a girl, am i just supposed to go to some place alone & then just flirt a lot with a guy? i’m really a believer that the girl is supposed to be pursued, not the pursuer… SO now you see a little of my problem.

I bet i’m not the only one who feels like this. and i wouldn’t call it despair as much as ‘well, what am i supposed to do?’…

 

one less cheating guy

Sometimes I know something is wrong
and you know that feeling in your gut?
that one that pulls your conscious’s strings
…I got that as i turned the keys of the truck…

I could see the dark orange cloud hovering
over the mountains in the distant sky…
I knew it was a blizzard coming my way
but I was crazed, & pulled that stick into DRIVE…

I didn’t need a weatherman that night
to tell me i was in for ice, snow, and winds…
and it didn’t take a genius to foretell,
i wasn’t the only one who was going to regret this…

If i left right then, i could catch him in the act,
if i made it alive, and my car slid as i turned…
either he was dead or i would be by the end of the night
I drove through that solid wall of blankness as my rage burned…

Oh he was going to get it, gunna get it good
thought he had an alibi for not showing up…
oh but storms of the heart are far more dangerous than
any sort of storm that nature could cook up…

the crimson liquid melted the ice,
but it was only a few minutes, before everything was white
i backed out of the drive way & crashed that night
and now we’re what’s called even… on a stormy orange night

—-
ps. this did not happen. i don’t exactly know where this came from, it sort of wrote itself & is kind of creepy. i swear i don’t have anger issues & would never do anything like this. but it’s sorta just creepy enough i like it. so on it stays…

 

my island soul

if i were to paint a picture & call it me…
I’d paint a slightly mysteriously distant scene…
of an island jungle mountain in the sea,

with a stranded lonely girl revealed on the sand,
always trying to find a new way onto mainland…
you can see what she can’t understand….

that she is hundreds of miles from other souls…
she’ll always be in her own world all alone….
she’s too distant to be heard or shown….

throwing a new bottle every day,
slowly growing in content in her own way…
prison of paradise owns her name…

little soul, why do you want to be saved?
Don’t you know the world is a harsh mean place?
i guess it’s too late, they just saw my flame….

i’ve been found… do i really want to be known around?
before i really know who i even am?

 

Quest to purge my heart

The freedom is overwhelming
when you realize you can do what’s right…
Lift the guilt off your shoulders
as you forgive & apologize…

——

going back through old grudges,
writing them on little notes,
and then one by one i light them on fire
cleansing my heart as i let it go…

looking up the old names
of folks that i wronged long ago…
and sending them words of regret and sorry
that we both know i truly owe…

and then one by one with those now
who i have shown a double standard to…
i release them from the strings i held
show them my sin asked to be excused…

—
humiliated and humbled,
But I’m sick of guilty lies and truths…
so i am on a quest to purge my soul
and renew that peace i once knew

 

maybe the problem is me

maybe it was him & his voice
maybe it was this guy & his nagging
maybe it was just the distance in between…
or maybe it really has always been me…

me who has always been the problem
in all my relationships of the past
maybe it is my ever critical cynicism
lined with dueled meaning laughs

maybe it is me and my boredom
that takes on projects that have names…
maybe i truly am the seductress they say…
maybe all of these men have been games…

maybe it’s not really that one’s height
or this one’s calling me every day…
i mean isn’t that what most girls want?
maybe the problem is the the way i play

Maybe i truly am apathetic & heartless
maybe i will never know this thing called love…
maybe i’m just to guarded to care…
maybe it’s me & my always giving up…

 

no more blank screen nights…

She’s pacing back and forth
cell phone blank face up on the table
Kept walking away & coming back…
so mad he made her feel this unstable…

that screen should have lit up by now…
and deep inside she really knew
he had already made up his mind
she was not the one he was running to…

but just in case his phone battery died…
just in case he was trying to find the right words…
just in case… she wanted to be there to respond…
just in case in the end he realized it should be her….

“light up! light up!” oh nothing more frustrating!
some one else shows up, she quickly clicks ‘end’…
oh poor little girl, he’s got you hooked on his string…
just let go so that the healing can begin!

The next week he calls her…
she paused than gave an empty ‘what?’
‘oh i’m sure now. i want you’…
in coldness she whispers ‘no… we’re done’…

he would never keep her waiting again
when 3 times she had given him an ultimatum
dont call or stop sleeping around with that other girl…
Oh please, he was no longer part of her world.

 

She watched the steam rise from the floor

she stood there in the shower
watching the steam rise from the floor
and at that moment it hit her from within…
“i just can’t keep doing this anymore…”

I have all these different guys
who i want around to give me attention
when in my heart i know that i truly don’t
wish to be with any one of them…

How did i get to where i justify
myself playing them like puppets on string?
since when have i been so desperate?
and since when was i that full of apathy?

…that i can’t just be happy
without always being the one adored?!
what a bitch i am becoming!…
using supposed insecurity as a hook & sword!

sigh, i need to let them go; i’m living this lie
she sat down there in the steam- broke down & cried…
what kind of fake triple sided person have i become?
i can’t keep being this evil temptress… what has my foolish pride done?

 

Life holds more potential

I’m the last one in the room
Who is qualified to be judgmental
But I can’t help but feeling
That you are letting yourself down

If you would only stop and realize
Life holds so much more potential
Than the mediocre ho hum life
I see you settling for right now…

And I want to take your every day
And turn it into a sweet things parade…
I want to take your doubtful gaze
And show you the way out of your maze…

There is no need to let life bore you
We can still have a grand adventurous time!
Why keep waiting, as if it’s going to invite you?
Fate is good to the fearless embrace our life!

…and if you take a sec to look to your right
i’ve been wishing you’d change all along…
i didn’t want to be the reason, so I’ve waited…
but hurry up please, you are taking far too long…