i’ll stay on my own… thank you

Oh because love has broken my heart
a time or two…
and i’ve used it a sword to get revenge
and do that too….

Oh and if God is love, then why would I even try?
for all that love has ever been for me… is a lie…

and i guess we’re supposed to believe
that heaven is where trust is never broken
where fear is never felt or spread
and where lies and gossip are never spoken

but, here on Earth, it sure seems the other way
love’s the only thing that can break you into disrepair
on my own, independent, i’m safe and strong
so you can have your heart, but I won’t share…

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sweaty halo

I guess we’re all a little fallen angel
somewhere deep below the acts we do
i think every girl has a dream she let die
in order to make another grow and bloom

but I’m missing my wings on the road tonight
because on rocky trails, oh how my feet tire…
and as my halo gets hot & sweaty around my hairline…
i would love to fly, but i just know i’d miss the fire

oh and human form can feel so heavy
dragged down beneath the stars & heavens above
oh and on this earth it’s so hard to see
where’s the meaning, the point, who trusts love?…

 

us crazy girls…

because we’re all freaking crazy,
us girls, i guess, that is…
i mean most of the time I’m so balanced,
until freaking hormones kick in…

it really isn’t even our fault
that we go all mama bear
when you eat our chocolate
and wonder why we fervently care

as for the fact i love or hate you one day
and can be the total opposite the next…
look emotion at all, means we care
and if we don’t, then be grateful for the rest

and you can make fun of me all you want
for making googley faces at a baby
but someday you’ll be glad that your woman
will stay up all night for some little lady

and finally, sometimes i’ll cry for no good reason
don’t try to stand there & figure out why
just put your arm around me & know it doesn’t matter
but don’t you dare say it out-loud that night…

it’s just part of all us crazy girls
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Ten times upon a time

Once upon a time, i wasn’t crazy
once upon a time, i believed in love…
once upon a time, i thought a boy could make me happy
oh but after two or 10 times, i’ve had enough

after the 2nd time, i said no more green eyes
after number three, i realized not to fall so fast,
after number 5, i realized cute isn’t everything,
and after number 6, that it probably wouldn’t last

by number 10, i was a slow to fall skeptic,
and by 12, i had learned how to steal him with my eyes,
by number 16, i was stepping over piles of hearts
and by 20, it was like my own heart could sell any lie…

and by today, it’s like i have no heart at all
just a non-chalant practice of total control
mixed with the pile of pride at my core,
and a defensive list of reasons i’m not a fool…

but, a fool, i truly am
i have no idea what i even want
somewhere deep down, i desire the impossible,
for i have no clue what it means to love

 

being alive!

I really need to fall in love again
and this week, I really have…

I realized you can fall in love with the sunrise
fall in love with the ever changing moon
fall in love with the starry milkey way
and fall in love with always finding the truth

fall in love with the changing seasons
fall in love with the people in my life
fall in love with the plans of grand travel
fall in love with a coffee shop open mic night

fall in love with walks through red rocks
and fall in love with nerdy co workers who bring smiles
fall in love with watering my garden at dusk
and fall in love with rising above and beyond my trials

Falling in love with a dream i swear i won’t let die
fall in love with the secrets i harbor within my heart
already falling in love with whoever i will marry someday
and fall in love with all the way my future’s begun to start

and i’ve fallen in love with my guitar strings
fallen in love with swing dancing all night
fallen in love with my sisters, brother, and folks
but mostly, i’ve just fallen in love with being alive

 

do you ever wander?

Do you ever look at me & think i’d be perfect?
do you ever wonder how my kiss would feel?
do you ever hear about other guys & get jealous?
or did you move on in one week totally healed?

I don’t know why i have a crush on you
seems like a school girl kind of thing
you’re a bigger nerd than I could ever be
but i’d really like to fool everybody

and just give us that shot i turned down
and just see if we might work out
oh but i’m tired & my mind is wandering…
because obviously there’s no chance now…

 

the world became real again

Tonight the stars delivered answers to me
tonight, the breeze carried more than wind
tonight the past settled and sank beneath the ground
tonight, i the world and faith became real again…

I have this life passing me by too fast
It’s not about dying happy, but living it all,
and i’m no longer staying on Lotus beach,
for the world holds so much more for me

i think all things good take a risk
and i’m finally willing to risk hurt again
I may loose everything i have & could gain
but then, there’s always that chance i’ll win

So, gamble my life, gamble my heart
set out in a wooden canoe i hand carved
it’s the rough waters I choose for me
enough of sitting safely, no more waiting

because tonight, and tomorrow,
this world, my world belongs to me

 

the time has come for blood

the time has finally come,
he dipped into the blood of his son,
rained blessings before my path
and pardoned me from his wrath…

With only forgiveness & hope
for the first time in a long time, i’m not alone
the honest truth unfolds like rainclouds
and like a hot rain, soaks and surrounds

An overwhelming gush of heart
touched all my apathetic parts
And suddenly I feel sorry, i feel free
i feel hope, i feel love, i feel missing…

i feel the rain, i feel the sun
i feel the guilt, but don’t need to run
because above all the hurt & fears
i feel the forgiveness & i feel his tears

smoke burn into my lungs tonight
as i search in the blotchy moonlight
where has he gone? where is my God?
I never meant to stray that far or that long…

and tonight, the world felt real again
today, he wasn’t my enemy, but my friend
tonight i missed him, and he lost no time
in reaching into my flames & grasping me tight

 

follow me into the swirls

follow me into the swirls
as my abstract garden slowly forms,
the perfume of roses and rain floats by,
and the dew evaporates as the morning warms

hush me through a broken wooden door
let’s make this our secret little garden fort
full of unrealistic dreams and blooms
Sometimes hope it’s own sort of sport

stay with me long enough to trust
for gardens take time and lots of sun
help me relearn how to genuinely care and not run
and perhaps in this garden, we can cultivate love

 

and yet

Rested… it sounds so far away
I am so tired and exhausted these days
peace… it seems so abstract
everyone desire something they lack….

Hope, often seems in vain
it holds no power on anyone’s fate
and truth, can be so harsh
it seems like ignorance fuels the dark

yet, I must find rest
in my endless quest
and i shall follow the peace
i shall savor the sweet

and hope, i shall hold it dear
for it’s all i have in times of fear…
and truth, i must always know
for a life of lies is lived alone

change, the world always will
and before too long, we’ll all have our fill…
faith… so hard to understand how…
but it’s the root of all meaning i’ve found…