the real kinda everything

I don’t want your ‘hey girl’ or ‘oh sweet thing,
let me butter you up, so that you’ll sleep with me’…
don’t want your ‘here u go’… alcoholic drink,
‘just a little buzz, be my bumble bee’

oh & his blue eyes shone so bright that night
just bright enough to blind me to his true light…
don’t want all the words in a cheesy romance song…
don’t want to be your sexy lady or your oh la la…

I wanna be the one who you fall for my heart
who’s soul is elusive, but you manage to pin with a dart…
i wanna be the girl who you could never forget if you tried…
i want the real stuff, the gritty kinda ‘love you till i die’….

i want the dirty, muddy, stormy, passionate promise made…
that you’ll hold my hand when i’m wrinkly & ninety eight…
i want your face to linger in the back of my heart in every dream,
but your true self to come body & soul, make a pack, let’s be a team

I want the real kinda mundane, rub my feet,
i want the i’m exhausted, but first i’ll cook u something to eat,
i want the small little favors woven into all they call boring
and i haven’t met you yet, but i want us… i want the real thing.

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chances don’t predict accurately

they say the chances are one in a thousand…
you hear that & think “then it won’t be me”
but what if you are that one? what then?
a chance is a chance, no matter how small it may be

 

why?

Why? i need to know why,
why do you believe?
is some sort of magic witnessed
some talent i haven’t mastered?
or some idea i can’t conceive?

is it just some choice
that you are too stubborn to take back?
trust in the historical records of what has passed?
what is it that makes YOU believe?

sure it’s worth dying for,
but in death there are no regrets…
what’s worth living for,
is the harder faith to test…

so why?… why do you still believe?

 

trust issues, to let them shine, hurt, honesty, becoming me…. why i have to leave

i have trust issues.
I’ve known it for a while now. It takes someone years to gain it, & it’s almost just as hard to let someone i trust go as it is for them to have earned it in the first place.

I don’t trust new people anymore. I used to trust someone until they gave me a reason not to. Now it takes years, of seeing someone look out & care for me, in a way that isn’t beneficial to them at times.
It’s really hard, because I try putting on this tough face. I’m the girl who doesn’t need a guy. I’m the girl who has fun on my own. I’m the girl who’s been through shit but doens’t let it keep me down.
…but i’m not. that’s not me. In some supressed cavity of my heart, it all builds up for when the ice thaws…

————-

When I moved here, I really wanted friends. not just guys looking for dates, but girl friends, who i could trust & confide in. But, evidently when we went out, i caught too many of the guys eyes. & the girls stopped inviting me for a while. Later, i was told, they thought i was flirt. So i tried to stop. and i did. at the expense of becoming a bitch.

I meant to just do it around them, but it became habit. it was easier. it demanded respect. And before long, i didn’t know who this girl was. it was like the bitch i was in hs, but worse. part of me always wanted to be a bad ass. But let’s face it. I’m that naive ranch girl, who wanted to sneak out & go swing dancing. I was that hopeless romantic who almost ran away to be with a guy. Who fell for the wrong guy in 3 days for his blue eyes & blond hair & because he picked me out first… I was the one who read all the fairytales, and dreamed of being Pocahontas. and living in flower fields & singing to the beat of the wind. I was the one who longed for adventure. And a heart to conquer my own…

I hate romantic crap now. Because I used to love it, & it betrayed me. i thought family was forever. I thought sisters grew old together. i thought when someone said they loved you, they couldn’t leave anymore. And i thought i’d know what love was. I thought it would fall in place. None of it did. none of it came true. and now here i am the bitchy friend who tries to be mean to let her girlfriends shine. it started off for them, & it turned into a defense mechanism. To protect my heart from scarring. But now I see, I”m scarring those around me. I”m done being mean.

That’s why i need this adventure. I need to dream again. i need to believe in adventure. i need to know wonder again. i want romance. I do want love. If i can ever trust enough to believe in it.

I’m okay. I have an average voice. I have an average hair color. I have an average eye color. I have a below average height. I have a life with ups & downs… making it average as well, and i’m okay. But i miss being me.

the bad ass
the sweet heart
the nature nerd
the wandering 4 year old
the quite observer
the lost ranch girl in a city
the dancer in the shower
the lover of sparkles
the country music fan
the football walking encyclopedia
the slightly spoiled brat
the slightly crazy weirdo
the slightly annoying singing too loud
the slightly addicted to McDonalds
the slightly insomniac
the slightly OCD freak
the lover of dresses, camo, & denim
the adventurer
the pirate
the princess
the pocahontas
the way too honest friend
entirely average

thankfully, i have a few friends who i know are real. but friends who make u feel like u have to dull so they can shine, don’t let urself change for them. it’s harder to find yourself again, than you think.

 

in my stubborn boat of change

and you think you know life
then everything changes
the constellations rise & set
in entirely different places

as your horizon turns
and and the waters grow deep
and in months of same old, same old
you begin wondering….

Maybe i already had it all?
maybe i left it thinking of the sea
but all that is out here
is a lack of everyone & everything

in my own ocean of days
in my own boat of my own way
in my own route i will not change
i sail away from yesterdays

in my own stubborn need to be unique
i trade the solid ground for a beach
and i can’t really say i’d do it differently
when i was made to- sail the seas

 

to the bay the sun & beyond

I sailed out to the setting sun
but I told you it was a hit and run
& you believed me & followed me to the bay…
Life’s too hard just to let it go
But I wanted to make sure you know
I never meant to let us break…

I tried to stay true -true To you To all of our dreams
I tried, baby tried Harder than it seems
& I, I just had to run away
You seem to think it was all just a hoax
But sometimes, baby, that’s how life goes
that way, Away… away… away

 

how crazy ‘crazy’ can be

so you can sweet talk with all you’ve got
you can feed your tasty dreams of a tied knot
you can say you’re stubborn, but i’m already gone

by february i’ll have been set free
you thought u wanted crazy,
but that was before
you knew how crazy “crazy” can be

tell them that I lost my mind
tell them that i was too eager to try
tell them that some red haired devil got to me…

tell them that i’m sick of being a square,
tell them that this little town in nowhere
has gotten just a little too small for me…

tell them it was the alien’s mental snare,
or tell them that God has called me there
or just tell them i went all out crazy…and am living in a dream

because i am.

 

why i’m sailing the seas

when they say why? why?
I have no answer that will suit you
the only thing i can try
is to take you into my place…

where romance is a sugar coated way
for boys to get girls out of their lace…
where rules are just a challenge to break
and I’m sick of being a circle & squishing straight

Oh, I love the smell of a rose,
but it’ll sit here with me alone…
because mr. right, isn’t here tonight
and i’m tired of settling when i know…

I’m moving on, i’m sailing the seas
i shall become a pirate, & be set free
this world is nothing more than a phase to me

so you can sweet talk with all you’ve got
you can feed your tasty dreams of a tied knot
you can say you’re stubborn, but i’m already gone

but by february i’ll have been set free
you thought u wanted crazy,
but that was before
you knew how crazy “crazy” can be

tell them that I lost my mind
tell them that i was too eager to try
tell them that some red haired devil got to me…

tell them that i’m sick of being a square,
tell them that this little town in nowhere
has gotten just a little too small for me…

tell them it was the alien’s mental snare,
or tell them that God has called me there
or just tell them i went all out crazy…and am living in a dream

because i am.

 

hearts

some folks sell their hearts for money
other’s numb their hearts with pain…
a few sew their hearts on their sleeves,
and some cleave after a heart in vain…

My heart was stolen by a dream
and sailed far away unto a distant shore
where I shall this year set out to find it
so that I can love again once more

 

strong enough to hope

it’s easy to see how those girls
in the street got their starts
just took some good boy they loved
to turn into an asshole & break their hearts…

and sometimes the hardest time to feel accepted
is in the middle of those you love
and the only places that feel like home anymore…
are all the secret destinations to which you run.

I didn’t need a hero or a saint
i didn’t want a love song that would fizzle & end
i didn’t want a night full of false promises
all i was looking for, was a friend…

Have you ever felt the place you stand alone
is too far, too deep, for anyone else to go?
that instead of elaborating your story, you are cutting it short?
because now the details are actually too bitter to sort…

and realized all the hopes you’d gathered for years
all the promises you made to your heart…
tonight, i’m not okay, tonight, i cried alone,
but that’s okay, because tomorrow, i’ll be strong enough to hope