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trust issues, to let them shine, hurt, honesty, becoming me…. why i have to leave

23 Aug

i have trust issues.
I’ve known it for a while now. It takes someone years to gain it, & it’s almost just as hard to let someone i trust go as it is for them to have earned it in the first place.

I don’t trust new people anymore. I used to trust someone until they gave me a reason not to. Now it takes years, of seeing someone look out & care for me, in a way that isn’t beneficial to them at times.
It’s really hard, because I try putting on this tough face. I’m the girl who doesn’t need a guy. I’m the girl who has fun on my own. I’m the girl who’s been through shit but doens’t let it keep me down.
…but i’m not. that’s not me. In some supressed cavity of my heart, it all builds up for when the ice thaws…

————-

When I moved here, I really wanted friends. not just guys looking for dates, but girl friends, who i could trust & confide in. But, evidently when we went out, i caught too many of the guys eyes. & the girls stopped inviting me for a while. Later, i was told, they thought i was flirt. So i tried to stop. and i did. at the expense of becoming a bitch.

I meant to just do it around them, but it became habit. it was easier. it demanded respect. And before long, i didn’t know who this girl was. it was like the bitch i was in hs, but worse. part of me always wanted to be a bad ass. But let’s face it. I’m that naive ranch girl, who wanted to sneak out & go swing dancing. I was that hopeless romantic who almost ran away to be with a guy. Who fell for the wrong guy in 3 days for his blue eyes & blond hair & because he picked me out first… I was the one who read all the fairytales, and dreamed of being Pocahontas. and living in flower fields & singing to the beat of the wind. I was the one who longed for adventure. And a heart to conquer my own…

I hate romantic crap now. Because I used to love it, & it betrayed me. i thought family was forever. I thought sisters grew old together. i thought when someone said they loved you, they couldn’t leave anymore. And i thought i’d know what love was. I thought it would fall in place. None of it did. none of it came true. and now here i am the bitchy friend who tries to be mean to let her girlfriends shine. it started off for them, & it turned into a defense mechanism. To protect my heart from scarring. But now I see, I”m scarring those around me. I”m done being mean.

That’s why i need this adventure. I need to dream again. i need to believe in adventure. i need to know wonder again. i want romance. I do want love. If i can ever trust enough to believe in it.

I’m okay. I have an average voice. I have an average hair color. I have an average eye color. I have a below average height. I have a life with ups & downs… making it average as well, and i’m okay. But i miss being me.

the bad ass
the sweet heart
the nature nerd
the wandering 4 year old
the quite observer
the lost ranch girl in a city
the dancer in the shower
the lover of sparkles
the country music fan
the football walking encyclopedia
the slightly spoiled brat
the slightly crazy weirdo
the slightly annoying singing too loud
the slightly addicted to McDonalds
the slightly insomniac
the slightly OCD freak
the lover of dresses, camo, & denim
the adventurer
the pirate
the princess
the pocahontas
the way too honest friend
entirely average

thankfully, i have a few friends who i know are real. but friends who make u feel like u have to dull so they can shine, don’t let urself change for them. it’s harder to find yourself again, than you think.

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One response to “trust issues, to let them shine, hurt, honesty, becoming me…. why i have to leave

  1. LadyBlueRose's Thoughts Into Words

    September 4, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    within each poem…storyline I write is a little of me…okay sometimes all me LOLs..
    sometimes we land on a page that as we read it ( I use third person not to focus on the “me” all the time)
    and you swear they have read your mind…or heart ..or they hear those whispers on the wind too…
    this is a really honest…open door one…wonderfully stated for me…us to read and wonder !
    Take Care..
    )0(
    maryrose

     

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