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Category Archives: from past journals

too much coal


There is a darkness to my soul that is soaking in
a coldness that makes me back away again…
they can’t be trusted, i never should have opened up,
build more solid walls, turn away from their love…

i’ve tried so hard to forgive and to let go and be soft
but the magma boils in my heart and my words become lost
the one who i wanted so badly to love me and to be proud
is the one who seems to have an agenda to bring me down…

so love your pretty little lies you carved into the photo book,
to church, wear a pretty dress and your most reverent look.
While I apply sparkly pink eye shadow and charm the elite,
i’ll float around claiming we are a perfect mother daughter team…

but behind the giggles and closed doors, and empty emails exchanged,
there is the dark past, with ghosts and wicked roars of rage,
a chilling lack of satisfaction and an empty black hole
forget the healing, there’s too much baggage, too much coal.

 
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Posted by on November 25, 2014 in (negative), from past journals, life

 

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what you really meant to say


don’t serve me lemon ice cream
don’t fill my thoughts with your dreams
don’t tell me i’m just like the one
the one you’ve always dreamed of

yet you never just say what you mean

or maybe you really did
and what you meant is that i’m not it.
in which case, why not just say goodbye,
instead of dancing around a committed reply?

it’s like i’m talking to myself…

and every time i remember our talks i frown,
with renewed frustration at the sound
of how you always made me feel like so much less
and yet i always wanted to prove i was your best…

and i still wanted you.

 

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as close as i can let you come


i just want to scratch these scales off my back…
feel the burn as these cold hours pass….
i just want to dig the dark hole out of my gut…
throw it into the light and know what’s what…

I feel the laser beams sizzling by my ears,
as my body is suspended in mid air…
franticly trying to escape this foggy maze,
and all i know and all i have is your gaze…

i just want to lie to you, to find the truth,
i just want to run away, to see if you will too…
i just want to lock you out of my heart and cry
because it’s so very very lonely inside.

but i have a heart that cannot be loved
it’s too cold, it will shatter at your touch
i’m afraid, this is as far as i can let you come…
because i just really can’t do it, i just can’t really love.
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it was almost meant to be


we were like thunder and lightning addicted to fighting in the rain..
electrifying touches, and heart pounding words drove us both insane,
we were like that crisp apple pie smell mixed with fresh morning fog,
you were that hot cup of tea, and that original sweet heart song…

you were my tornado shelter in the storm, but disaster in the calm,
i was that exhaustion you grew too love, and the water that you lived on…
it was like we were on a tire swing, or a great trapeze,
always up and down, but neither of us could ever leave…
until i did.

then it was like the empty house on a holiday, spent alone.
it was like dreams coming alive and haunting all i’d known…
it was like seeing the commitment that was just too much to do,
and even when i left, it was almost like i still loved you…

 

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drizzly rain outside the subway doesn’t care


you know the light rain outside the subway doesn’t give a care…
and the autumn wind, is getting cold again, just as I feared…

it’s the wild beast that i try to feed, just a little now and then…
but it refuses to change or find some other prey, it still lives within..

oh indecisiveness rules my heart and mind, my words and time,
oh deceptive pangs of longing spike, and strike my judgement blind..

I just want it to be for real, to seal the deal, have it last for good,
he’s jumping in the deep end, while im looking at every other ‘i could’

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just let go


i just wanted to hold you here,
and you just wanted to go…
i just wanted a loyal heart
and you jsut wanted to do it alone

i guess sometimes, it’s better to just let go

 

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the first break up’s end…


i convulsed & shriveled into my bed
punching feathers in vain
the whole street knew who was to blame
from the piercing cries of your name…

then i scooped through 2 Walmarts of ice cream
and bent 20 ears with how i still loved you
and it was after the 23rd load of tearful laundry
that i realized you really just weren’t worth this ado

i swore i’d never love again until
i knew that he could never break my heart
and i’ve been pretty keen on that promise
but i’ve also been good on extinguishing sparks…

 

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never had a day you weren’t my first


and i can go search the world, for the second best heart
i can go travel lands & seas, but you will always be in my dreams…
because you stole my heart in a way songs can’t express…
i can’t give it to anyone else, freaking love never is what it seems…

oh so here’s to letting the only one who was my only one… get away….
& here’s to moving on, & all the empty moments since you’ve been gone, …i pray… i try to pray

that someday you will remember my face in your dreams too,
I think it’s about time i break the break, & maybe tell you???

have u realized neither of us will ever be at peace again?
until we turn our bridge into a castle or burn it into ash?
i’m not the kind to look back & live in all my yesterdays,
but since I left you, I still have haven’t gotten my heart back…

never had a day since the day that i met you
i didn’t regret leaving you behind, im telling the truth
and all these guys in the world, will always be second best
after standing next to you, i can’t stand to stand next to anything less.

 

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going or gone?


it feels like love is an auction these days
and the best items are quickly getting sold away…
and their prices are getting higher by the week
it cost either commitment or compromising…

compromising my political views
or how far i’ll go in the bedroom,
maybe turning a blind eye on faith
or give up on anticipated social grace…

and as the numbers keep flying higher,
i saw you walk onto that floor…
and i didn’t make a bid i just fell for you
i’m still wondering how much you’re going for??

could you ever let me back again & love me?
maybe that hammer already proved me wrong?
at night i wonder if we are still going going going…
or if i lost you, if you are already long gone?

 

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haunted by the question i never asked


I’ve thought quite a bit about you
your words and arms and dreams
you reached so far into my depth
then held my essence with you when i left…

you’d suppose I’d be thinking more
of other eyes and other hearts
ones who I could ever see for sure
but my heart only longs for yours…

You’ve moved on after, what? 2 years?
that Swedish non-chalance and gentle care
and the frustrating part is, i may have lost it
but i can’t let that dream die within

until i hear you say it from depth to depth
i should never have moved or run from the question
that has haunted & followed me since that day
I’ll never move on, with my heart captive in yesterday…

 

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