chart our stars, and melt my heart

in the silence, beats a whisper to the dark…
it’s the soft whimper of a slowly starving heart…
no longer desperate, it has outlived the war,
but it’s missing the hope it had before…

oh so unwise, after all this time,
indecisive and apathetically inclined.
i turn so cold, when i’m afraid,
lest i relieve all the frozen pain…

i want to love, make me a sun,
blaze in the day ricochet off the moon,
i want to awake, i want to flood,
let my walls and darkness come undone

a galaxy too expansive for me,
i couldn’t chose a brightest star,
but now i see, the truth of things,
the brightest depends on where you are…

So come close to me, i want your touch.
i want you to know my heart, my love.
melt the frozen blood, let me cry,
just stay here, at my wounded side.

and I will see your scars, and light your dark.
i will hold your hand, and make you a star chart,
we can dance, on earth it’s more than enough
our day has finally come to free us to be us.

i want my best friend, by my side.
the one who makes me smile any time.
i don’t need a star, or foreign mystery,
i just want to give you everything, all of me.

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What about the beautiful wrinkles?

What about an old cowgirl?
who will love all her wrinkles now?
all the cowboys are still getting chased,
while she’s out still chasing the cows…

She’s doing all the dirty work
the grit, the hurt, the mornings before dawn,
but with all the pretty young faces,
who’s there to stay up and listen to her song???

What about the world explorer?
the one who did peace corps and has seen war?
what about that poet who gave her youth
searching for answers, to write the truth?

Who is going to see her travelled skin,
and love it for all the places it has been?
She’s the story they will all love to read,
but the guys still go for a prettier young thing.

What about the single mother who tries
to raise the daughter he left behind?
with a heart stronger than steel
and 80 hour shifts to pay the bill…

Who’s going to notice her strength?
What guy will go buy a brand new ring?
Oh they are such a foolish lot,
men never know the love nor heart they’ve got….

And what about every woman with silver hair?
what about the 35 year olds who are single out there?
what about us girls who have hearts of gold,
…all the guys only want someone less than 25 years old…

 

Drowning in an empty tub

She wouldn’t have noticed you, i’m sure.
but she know’s exactly what she has in you,
because her interest was officially spurred
when she followed my eyes to you across the room.

and i’m laying naked in an empty bathtub,
drunk on tears, and hungover on regrets.
too exhausted to bother turning the water on,
to clean up and pretend like i forget…

So you want me to come and see you
end up with the girl of your ‘dreams’
sent me an email and told me if you had known,
long before her, it would have been me.

And I’m swept into moments i let pass,
when a kiss would have sufficed to say
all that my words weren’t when i’d just laugh
so happy to just spend the time with you every day.

and it’s my fault i let it all go by,
you thought we were friends, and decided it was fine.
i should be happy, even if you’re not mine…
maybe, i’m not your friend anymore this time.

i just feel like a stranger.
i just feel like a lost girl.
and she looks like a barbie
and im caught in barbie world.

i sit up, and let hot water steam all around.
clean up, do my hair, my make up all sweet,
guess, i’ll show up, and pretend that I
that I am okay, that i’m okay with everything…

 

Where hearts really beat

There are truths that lie
There are smiles that hide,
Where our hearts really beat,
Behind the words we speak…

When doubt shines shadows on hope…
And love is a stranger I don’t know…
Sometimes it’s easier to hold it in,
Than to acknowledge what it really is…

Like the greatest star that shines in the day
And how the fastest lessons come from play.
How the tallest mountain begins on the sea floor
And the greatest empire in history lives no more…

Sometimes the best things are out of place
So you and I are natural in a weird kind of way…

There are truths that I almost hide,
There are smiles and locked eyes,
But we both know despite everything,
Exactly for whom our hearts really beat…

 

too much coal

There is a darkness to my soul that is soaking in
a coldness that makes me back away again…
they can’t be trusted, i never should have opened up,
build more solid walls, turn away from their love…

i’ve tried so hard to forgive and to let go and be soft
but the magma boils in my heart and my words become lost
the one who i wanted so badly to love me and to be proud
is the one who seems to have an agenda to bring me down…

so love your pretty little lies you carved into the photo book,
to church, wear a pretty dress and your most reverent look.
While I apply sparkly pink eye shadow and charm the elite,
i’ll float around claiming we are a perfect mother daughter team…

but behind the giggles and closed doors, and empty emails exchanged,
there is the dark past, with ghosts and wicked roars of rage,
a chilling lack of satisfaction and an empty black hole
forget the healing, there’s too much baggage, too much coal.

 

my problem with FB stalking a potential. (keeping it real)

i used to calculate everything. maybe i still do. but i fight it.

i used to analyze guys as if they were nothing more than data entries on an excel spreadsheet. Once, I actually made an excel spreadsheet of my potential love interests. with everything from a rating of current salary, to potential salary in chosen careers, to genetics such as disease in family, to a rating of athleticism.

The idea of choosing someone because i just wanted to be with them, was as distant as the sun is from view in the middle of the night to a luna moth. All I wanted was beautiful children, a beautiful family, a guy to show off, and to impress everyone. A twisted dream, I’ve come to realize. Love is love… not a pageant contest.

I was overjoyed at first, when facebook became a thing. This really helped me calculate the possibilities with even more ease. Everything from level of education, to extended family, and even high school social status could usually be deduced before I even got to know the person…

but this is just the problem.
Because it actually forms prejudices…

stick with me here…
Before we learn things through interactions with them, we’ve already decided they are ‘cool’ or ‘not cool’. We already have decided if they are smart, connected, respected, quirky, or even a potential candidate, really. We judge them before we know them.

To some degree, we can’t fight this. humans are rational creatures, and will always try to analyze the data given, and are curious enough to always want more data.

But i highly encourage anyone who is just beginning to date someone, NOT TO “STALK” that person on facebook or twitter, and what not.

get to know the person. find out if they make you laugh with their wit and humour, or if they intrigue you with intelligent conversations, if they can inspire awe in their desires, or endeavors. See if they inspire creativity and optimism. WHether they free your inner spirit to fly, or whether you are always nervous and feel like you have to change who you are with them. Get to know them. Look behind the eyes, and decide for yourself how old their soul is. Let them introduce you to their siblings when they want to. And let it be an introduction.

Find out if they impress you with what they’ve done with their life. And more than anything… you have to be with someone to know their character… their values, their morals, their person.

Skype can’t tell. Facebook can’t tell you. Texting can’t tell you, Twitter can’t tell you, in fact nothing on the internet tell you who someone is. And buying into whatever it says (even if the person hand crafted everything on their page), will just slow down the process of getting to know someone. It won’t speed it up.

It’s not skipping a step. It’s getting to know a person who doesn’t exists. We are so much more than our facebook pages.

Go meet people, and get to know their person, in person. Keep it real.

 

tragedy of the norm

took my hope and took my heart
took my dreams and lit a spark,
should’ve known fire burns
and that a burn leaves a scar…

got no tragedy to mourn
was only a victim to the norm,
undervalued what we had
and thought it not worth fighting for…

but some times the fire stays
and sometimes it don’t even fade
and when the winds blow in your face,
sometimes, it just strengthens the flame.

So i left, and you moved on…
like every one-who-got-away song…
should of listened to the radio
before i made the same wrong…

took my hope and took my heart
took my dreams and lit a spark,
should’ve known fire burns
and that a burn leaves a scar…

i know you are only human
i remember you as a friend
as the one who taught me to love,
and since whom i haven’t loved again…

 

what you really meant to say

don’t serve me lemon ice cream
don’t fill my thoughts with your dreams
don’t tell me i’m just like the one
the one you’ve always dreamed of

yet you never just say what you mean

or maybe you really did
and what you meant is that i’m not it.
in which case, why not just say goodbye,
instead of dancing around a committed reply?

it’s like i’m talking to myself…

and every time i remember our talks i frown,
with renewed frustration at the sound
of how you always made me feel like so much less
and yet i always wanted to prove i was your best…

and i still wanted you.

 

none of them are you

Always going to be one hotter
always going to be one richer too
always going to be one sweeter, or meaner
or who does more of something I do,

Always going to be that person who is funnier
maybe he can steal the spotlight of the room,
but it doesn’t really matter any more,
because i’d always rather just be with you…

this really just fet too easy
because after all the hard times i’ve been through
this is the first time i’ve ever
just looked at someone, and already knew.

 

and trust him again…

I decided to stop trying to jump out of the sea
just to assess the horizon ahead…
Some people were meant to fly below the waves,
so i am surrendering to God again, instead.

Within the darknesses, and forbidden light,
throughout the adventures I fervently defend,
among the sharks and schools of the current,
it’s easy to ignore what chaos has come to live within…

and the peace of knowing, the trust beyond,
the faith in walking my heart to His door,
enough of the wild rushes, enough of the fires,
I finally realize the adrenaline is not enough to live for…