Dear Lord… Sinfully, yours truly

OH, enter in the prayer i ought to speak,
oh, it’s been so long, since i truly believed.
and oh, i kneel here on sinful knees,
oh Lord, please come break my everything…

Oh oh Lord, I need you. and all the pain you put me through

take me to the altar,
sacrifice my strength
i’m a hollow nothing
outside of your way with me.

oh lord, i need you… and all the pain you put me through.

there was a time i mapped out my life
such a holy pride i held my head up high.
if only i had been humble enough to hold your hand…
but i was too young and naive to understand

it’s the brokenness, that rebuilds into strength.
it’s in the silence where wisdom comes to speak.
it’s in a humble love, that we must give away everything.
and in giving it all away, that we receive peace…

Oh Lord, I need you, and all the pain you put me through…

it’s a hard cold world, without your comforting touch.
it’s a double edged sword that screams that one is never enough.
it’s a hopeless race, bitterly regretting the dripping time,
and for every drop passing, I’ve lost meaning in my life…

and then there’s you. and then there’s your son,
and then there’s Mary and her rose garden of love,
and then there’s this honesty that breaks my hardened pride,
Oh Lord, crush all my plans, and make my life right…

All the money in the world, can’t buy me peace of mind,
and all the travels only make me yearn for someone at my side,
and all the success only makes me realize how empty it is,
without your plan, burning from the center of it.

Here at this place, i step forward emptily filled,
I’ve not lived the life, that i know you had willed.
tears aren’t enough, break my heart tonight.
i don’t need the world. i only need you in my life…

So wash my heart, and make it pure in your sight,
let it be as a lily, make it strong for the fight.
Help me love the imperfection, seeing traces of you,
Oh Lord take everything, and make it all new.

Oh Lord, I need you, and all the pain you put me through…

i need the strength, i need the softness, i need the truth.
i need to be reborn, feel the rush of grace and peace flowing through,
there is nothing greater, and you are the first and only i chose.
oh Lord, now i know, i need you. i’ve always needed you.

Hear the raw truth, there is nothing greater in this life
test it with your limited years, it will be a bitter waste of time.
and as an egg shell must break, for a bird to come forth,
Lord break the empty shell of my life, and make it so much more

God, for real.
i desire nothing more.
finally this time,
I’m sinfully yours.

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What about the beautiful wrinkles?

What about an old cowgirl?
who will love all her wrinkles now?
all the cowboys are still getting chased,
while she’s out still chasing the cows…

She’s doing all the dirty work
the grit, the hurt, the mornings before dawn,
but with all the pretty young faces,
who’s there to stay up and listen to her song???

What about the world explorer?
the one who did peace corps and has seen war?
what about that poet who gave her youth
searching for answers, to write the truth?

Who is going to see her travelled skin,
and love it for all the places it has been?
She’s the story they will all love to read,
but the guys still go for a prettier young thing.

What about the single mother who tries
to raise the daughter he left behind?
with a heart stronger than steel
and 80 hour shifts to pay the bill…

Who’s going to notice her strength?
What guy will go buy a brand new ring?
Oh they are such a foolish lot,
men never know the love nor heart they’ve got….

And what about every woman with silver hair?
what about the 35 year olds who are single out there?
what about us girls who have hearts of gold,
…all the guys only want someone less than 25 years old…

 

Drowning in an empty tub

She wouldn’t have noticed you, i’m sure.
but she know’s exactly what she has in you,
because her interest was officially spurred
when she followed my eyes to you across the room.

and i’m laying naked in an empty bathtub,
drunk on tears, and hungover on regrets.
too exhausted to bother turning the water on,
to clean up and pretend like i forget…

So you want me to come and see you
end up with the girl of your ‘dreams’
sent me an email and told me if you had known,
long before her, it would have been me.

And I’m swept into moments i let pass,
when a kiss would have sufficed to say
all that my words weren’t when i’d just laugh
so happy to just spend the time with you every day.

and it’s my fault i let it all go by,
you thought we were friends, and decided it was fine.
i should be happy, even if you’re not mine…
maybe, i’m not your friend anymore this time.

i just feel like a stranger.
i just feel like a lost girl.
and she looks like a barbie
and im caught in barbie world.

i sit up, and let hot water steam all around.
clean up, do my hair, my make up all sweet,
guess, i’ll show up, and pretend that I
that I am okay, that i’m okay with everything…

 

So shall end my war.

I just want my heart to love,
but have a heart that fights…
it guards and battles breaks and pain,
but it brings its own type of demise…

I just wanted to be soft and sweet
like my childhood when i trusted.
but time hardens and leaves cuts,
like sweet rain leaves doors rusted…

and i may be alone and angry inside,
i may live in my own storm of lies…
i may allow my demons to stay alive,
and i may insanely fight the same battle another time

I may bathe in my own fire and tears,
i may distrust before they have the chance to care,
and i may live in a sort of constant fear,
but deep beneath, a hope lives here.

Deep below the dirty ground of blood,
and the skeletons that scared me into hiding under my bed,
where it is too quite to hear the chaos above,
there is a faith, that shall not be one counted as dead…

and the wars and storms i’ve called to rise,
swirl around in the winds of cheap compromise,
but when i overthrow the kingdom of my life,
it shall be ruled with peace, as love the prize.

Thinly painted on the surface, and buried at my deepest core,
my sanity lives, and is remembered as strongly as before.
Someday the flashes of rage, and resentment well-worn,
shall fall apart, and surrender to grace, and so shall end my war.

 

Man, to get here…

Man, I just don’t give a care,
the longer i live the less it means, i swear…
all the status and accolades i used to need
now appear such shallow and empty dreams…

I’ve grown past needing to get even or be right,
it was a fruitless and exhausting fight.
i’m tired of spending nights counting wrongs,
they’re forgiven and set free like a voice in a song…

I’m sure I’m still ignorant and plenty naive
enough for yall to point fingers and make jokes at me,
so go ahead, i’ll just laugh and let it go,
get an extra smile, and be fine, because you know…

man, these days, i just don’t give a care,
it comes in on one side, then out the other ear,
i’m a good person, not perfect, but i’m okay.
and i know inside out, that won’t change with what you say.

the out-smarting, the bragging, and extra glamourous things,
are worthless and useless if you don’t care for high society,
I have realized how fleeting and hot burns their fire,
while, hardly worth holding, and self harming to aquire…

so nowadays, i don’t give a care
you can love me or hate me, or in my apathy share,
I’m genuinely happy forgiving, and with it all gone,
For the first time, I have really and finally moved on…

 

Where hearts really beat

There are truths that lie
There are smiles that hide,
Where our hearts really beat,
Behind the words we speak…

When doubt shines shadows on hope…
And love is a stranger I don’t know…
Sometimes it’s easier to hold it in,
Than to acknowledge what it really is…

Like the greatest star that shines in the day
And how the fastest lessons come from play.
How the tallest mountain begins on the sea floor
And the greatest empire in history lives no more…

Sometimes the best things are out of place
So you and I are natural in a weird kind of way…

There are truths that I almost hide,
There are smiles and locked eyes,
But we both know despite everything,
Exactly for whom our hearts really beat…

 

don’t let yourself go

Could it be that ‘the one’ is just a joke
pick some one and love them, never let them go…?
find someone and find a way to make them laugh,
why must we complicate it so much more than that?

oh i was such an angry girl,
i just wanted to fire back at the world,
such a lost dream, such a hurt hope,
such a beautiful story that nobody ever wrote…

gotta tell myself, i’m fine now, im really fine.
just the way i am, even if i know it’s a lie.
look in the mirror, learn to love the face i see,
learn to love all the hurt, the eyes are hiding…

learn to love and forgive all the sins i tried…
learn to cry and trust someone again sometime,
maybe stop building walls up so very high?
worst case- they break me, but what’s another time?

stand up strait, it’s gonna be alright
i’m just fine, every wrinkle is where it goes.
i’m beautiful and i’m a good person at the core,
pick myself and love me, never let me go…

don’t let yourself go.

 

my problem with FB stalking a potential. (keeping it real)

i used to calculate everything. maybe i still do. but i fight it.

i used to analyze guys as if they were nothing more than data entries on an excel spreadsheet. Once, I actually made an excel spreadsheet of my potential love interests. with everything from a rating of current salary, to potential salary in chosen careers, to genetics such as disease in family, to a rating of athleticism.

The idea of choosing someone because i just wanted to be with them, was as distant as the sun is from view in the middle of the night to a luna moth. All I wanted was beautiful children, a beautiful family, a guy to show off, and to impress everyone. A twisted dream, I’ve come to realize. Love is love… not a pageant contest.

I was overjoyed at first, when facebook became a thing. This really helped me calculate the possibilities with even more ease. Everything from level of education, to extended family, and even high school social status could usually be deduced before I even got to know the person…

but this is just the problem.
Because it actually forms prejudices…

stick with me here…
Before we learn things through interactions with them, we’ve already decided they are ‘cool’ or ‘not cool’. We already have decided if they are smart, connected, respected, quirky, or even a potential candidate, really. We judge them before we know them.

To some degree, we can’t fight this. humans are rational creatures, and will always try to analyze the data given, and are curious enough to always want more data.

But i highly encourage anyone who is just beginning to date someone, NOT TO “STALK” that person on facebook or twitter, and what not.

get to know the person. find out if they make you laugh with their wit and humour, or if they intrigue you with intelligent conversations, if they can inspire awe in their desires, or endeavors. See if they inspire creativity and optimism. WHether they free your inner spirit to fly, or whether you are always nervous and feel like you have to change who you are with them. Get to know them. Look behind the eyes, and decide for yourself how old their soul is. Let them introduce you to their siblings when they want to. And let it be an introduction.

Find out if they impress you with what they’ve done with their life. And more than anything… you have to be with someone to know their character… their values, their morals, their person.

Skype can’t tell. Facebook can’t tell you. Texting can’t tell you, Twitter can’t tell you, in fact nothing on the internet tell you who someone is. And buying into whatever it says (even if the person hand crafted everything on their page), will just slow down the process of getting to know someone. It won’t speed it up.

It’s not skipping a step. It’s getting to know a person who doesn’t exists. We are so much more than our facebook pages.

Go meet people, and get to know their person, in person. Keep it real.

 

tragedy of the norm

took my hope and took my heart
took my dreams and lit a spark,
should’ve known fire burns
and that a burn leaves a scar…

got no tragedy to mourn
was only a victim to the norm,
undervalued what we had
and thought it not worth fighting for…

but some times the fire stays
and sometimes it don’t even fade
and when the winds blow in your face,
sometimes, it just strengthens the flame.

So i left, and you moved on…
like every one-who-got-away song…
should of listened to the radio
before i made the same wrong…

took my hope and took my heart
took my dreams and lit a spark,
should’ve known fire burns
and that a burn leaves a scar…

i know you are only human
i remember you as a friend
as the one who taught me to love,
and since whom i haven’t loved again…

 

when you stopped being a poem

today, you stopped being a poem,
and became the subject of much more.
no longer a pair of eyes i flirt with,
instead you’re the man i’ve come to adore.

you’ve become the heart i want mine to beat next to,
and the last voice i want to hear tell me goodnight.
of course every love is a gamble of emotions and time,
but you’ve become the risk worth putting my heart on the line.

You stopped being the ideal prince I demanded,
and became the human who makes me roll my eyes.
you stopped being the next best thing for now,
and today, became the main character in the rest of my life.