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too much coal


There is a darkness to my soul that is soaking in
a coldness that makes me back away again…
they can’t be trusted, i never should have opened up,
build more solid walls, turn away from their love…

i’ve tried so hard to forgive and to let go and be soft
but the magma boils in my heart and my words become lost
the one who i wanted so badly to love me and to be proud
is the one who seems to have an agenda to bring me down…

so love your pretty little lies you carved into the photo book,
to church, wear a pretty dress and your most reverent look.
While I apply sparkly pink eye shadow and charm the elite,
i’ll float around claiming we are a perfect mother daughter team…

but behind the giggles and closed doors, and empty emails exchanged,
there is the dark past, with ghosts and wicked roars of rage,
a chilling lack of satisfaction and an empty black hole
forget the healing, there’s too much baggage, too much coal.

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Posted by on November 25, 2014 in (negative), from past journals, life

 

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as confident as my wrinkles.


getting wrinkles is probably one of the
greatest horrors of every young woman.
Or that realization that she no longer is
really that young of a woman.

you look back at photos, and realize
that you didn’t even know you were beautiful then.
nobody told you. they all just teased you
assuming you were so secure you already knew…

nobody told me i was wasting my youth
nobody told me how short it was going to be
everybody told me that i’d have plenty of time
and everybody told me just to take my time…

and i did. and now i have wrinkles.
wrinkles that don’t go away when i stop laughing.
wrinkles that dig deeper into my skin and confidence every day
wrinkles that force me to grow up.

maybe it’s a good thing, you know?
maybe they force us out of that relying on looks phase.
and it’s true im still more beautiful than i’ll ever be again
but gosh. when you find those old pictures… i hate to admit im that shallow, but

…it hurts. i don’t want wrinkles. i don’t want to grow up.

they force me to realize im getting older
and that i need to decide what to do with my life.
and then i look in the mirror again,
and i still haven’t done enough to justify my age.

i fear i shall never be as grown up,
as mature, nor nearly confident as my wrinkles are.
they told me to travel the world while i was young
and then i woke up, and i wasn’t young anymore.

all the great guys were married,
all the hot guys were losing their hair
and all the great and good looking men, i realized
were never perfect to start with, they had a girl who brought it out…

and id missed my chance a million times.

 
 

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Written Truth


we need to stop being dancers on a stage.
Stop reciting lines and auditioning for fate…
we need to stop planning moves like a chess game,
using pawns to corner queens or call check mate,

Enough I quit, i can’t be this fake.
Life is too real. there’s too much at stake.
I’ve been lying to myself and to you…
I am not apathetic, i feel it all, i really do.

I don’t want to be their dancers on a stage.
I don’t want to hear them give us a score or a grade.
please, can you just take my hand and let’s go…
walk out of this script and into the unknown…

Let’s take off the costumes and armor we secretly wear,
to protect our pride from having any shame to bear…
honestly, it breaks my heart a little every time i hear
you question us, when i tell you my fears…

i really want you to just re-convince me we’ll be fine.
i want you to embrace me when there’s no one in sight
i want you to never need nor expect the world’s approval for us,
i really want you. i really want us. i really want to trust.

i really want you to never doubt us, no matter what may…
i really want you to tell any other girl you can’t because of my name.
i want you to defend us like a warrior fighting for my heart.
i wanted you to be patient and wait to rekindle that spark…

i want us to carve our own story in the stone of time.
i want it solid, i want it real, i want it genuine and right.
i want you to stop listening to words, and to hear my heart.
i want you to stop heeding the doubts and the insecurity of sharks

that feast on knowing they rule the waters of the sea.
i don’t care about dethroning fools, or spiting seductive thieves.
i don’t care about proving anyone wrong or right about anything.
honestly, all i care about, is if you really want this same thing.

Because when you doubt us, i still believe.
but it feels like whenever i doubt us, you want to leave.
i don’t want to hold you with charms or even with feelings ,
because charms wear off, and feelings are ever changing.

i need to know that when i doubt, you’ll be the strength.
that when i push you away, you come back and capture me.
i need to know that you aren’t just in this because of feelings.
i need to know that you are in this, because it’s where you want to be.

honestly, right now im the weakest ive been in my life.
and i’ve found it so hard to be vulnerable at this time.
im not writing this for the past, but to bare what i desire.
i want to really give us a chance, and stop flirting with fires.

I don’t ever want to use jealousy or competition for us
and i don’t want to have a reason to question our trust.
from the time you get here, if this is what you are ready for too.
let’s stop playing games, let’s stop questioning through…

and as for me, perhaps the greatest lie i’ve lived for the past few years.
is that i don’t know how to love, or that i don’t know how to care.
if you can truly be as real, and as genuine, as who i believe you are.
then i give you my word, eventually you could capture my heart.

For you’ll never find a heart that can go as deep or as far.
that can cling on to hopes that are no more than distant stars.
that can give, comfort, warm, hold, strengthen, and glow like mine
but i shall only go there once. so i’ve been waiting for the right time.

no seed bears fruits, nor flowers bloom, nor tree does grow
when it is out of soil, rain, and sunshine doesn’t glow…
no violin can play a song with half it’s strings,
let’s stop counting all the problems, and just fix these things.

and if my past has too many or too dark of shadows,
if you find my weaknesses outweigh all my strengths,
if you just want someone who is less of a battle to love
or even if you just decided that we aren’t meant to be.

please figure that out and tell me sooner than later.
it will hurt, but i can swallow it and i’ll find someone again.
i’d rather it be you. i’d rather really give us a real chance.
but i can’t be the only one who believes everything.

i know i think in riddles, rhymes, and take a lot of time.
i know you like to jump into action, and say how you feel.
but please think this one out in the depth of your heart,
and whatever you decide, come down and make it real.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

 

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between hurt and rage


somewhere between the hurt and the rage,
a longing panic cried ‘don’t go away’…
somewhere between ‘please stay’ and ‘goodbye’
I was in shock, as i looked into your eyes.

because i don’t understand why…
was she more beautiful than me?
for those 3 minutes did you believe,
that we weren’t ever going to be anything?

Did you think i wouldn’t care?
but even then, i just don’t see how…
you could love me like you say you do
but kiss her 3 weeks before you move down.

So many stupid journal pages
I’ve scribbled on and on about you.
so many nights i spent just imagining,
that you were lying in my bed too…

and i’d been waiting and waiting,
and was just at the point when my cold heart melted
and decided to open up and trust
and i just hate how you did it, but im the one who got f***ed

im the one who felt it so wrong in my gut.
im the one who feels like im less for your wrong
im the one who questions what is love,
do i know you? you aren’t who i thought…

 

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learn to glow again


it’s a steamy kind of summer rain
cleansing the trees of your dusty mess,
and the heart skipping crash of lightning pain,
followed by the misty peace of fresh breath

it’s the alleluia kind of sun-rays,
and the birds have new moist twigs to nest
when a heart trips among the soaking grey
and wakes up and finds there’s still love left…

it may not be in his arms next time,
but the world is sweet in the aftermath,
there’s the perfect warmth of summertime,
when i finally learned to let yesterday pass…

and i really have to say,
it’s been greener since the rain,
and i guess it took loosing my pride to him,
for me to learn how to glow again…

 

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your salesman lies & rusty trash


you sell yourself like a sweet sweet car
tell me about the pretty paint & voom voom power inside
you told me cash only, had me pay upfront,
then you gave me the keys & that’s when I found out you had lied…

oh your shiny little lies how they gleam,
oh your lovely fake leather seats…
oh your pretty words skipping over dings
you’re lying to the world about everything…

but let’s face the facts, you’re in a used car lot,
with a gaudy salesman jacket, who nobody trusts
and it doesn’t take much to see i’m in a whole other class
i’m a genuine find, & you’re busy hiding your rusts

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2013 in guys/girls, life, metaphors/analogies, Poetry, Stories

 

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You brought out the devil in me


i was the little angel with big green eyes,
everything in the world glowed with faithful love
you were the boy with those blue eyes,
knew just how to make me question all i’d learned of…

and i quickly turned to you for truth,
i didn’t know lies were all you could do,
you showed me how to really make a heart burn,
and then how to numb the newly aquired hurt…

you showed me that lightning doesn’t strike
just because we sinned those nights…
and that even sweet little teddies bears bleed,
and that ghosts aren’t just in my dreams…

then you taught me how to leave with out saying goodbye
just as my world crumbled into a mess of defensive lies
and i thought surely, it was different with you & I…
that’s when i learned that love isn’t always worth the try…

because you only brought out the devil in me,
oh, you taught me how to live in jealously,
you brought out the lies & sneaky little thief…
you made a fallen angel out of me…

and now i’m just reaching at the sunlight
but i can feel all the empty darkness inside,
just trying to grasp enough bright to outshine
all the bitterness you said would pass with time…

 

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