Tag Archives: suffering

don’t hide away

i want to lock my heart away….
hide it in a whispering gentle place…
cover my eyes from the world…
only let tender sunshine hit my face…

I really need a breath of fresh air…
the fragrance of blooming dreams…
oh i just want something powerful to come
and wash away all the pain still hurting…

oh hearts aren’t meant for crying
hearts are meant for loving and being loved…
and i wonder after enough breaking…
if i can ever really once again open up….

oh but you’ve gotta trust again,
even if it scares you to death!
‘cuz when you get to the end…
love is all that will be left…

and don’t cha want something?
don’t cha want someone there?
don’t cha want anyone to love you?
don’t you want anyone to care?

so don’t lock your heart away
don’t hide it in a secret cave…
here’s the quiet surrender i give…
i’m gonna try… try to love again


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i want to be weak

I look in the mirror of the bathroom i locked myself in.
i see red eyes overflowing with salty streams of tears..
I see tiny beads trailing down my cheek to my chin,
I don’t bother to wipe away the floating ships of fears…

No, now, i shall let my heart storm…
I will open wide the floodgates of my soul.
I want to see myself cry. i want to see the pain.
i want proof that i care. i want myself to be the fool.

I need to know i’m not hardened within,
i need to let tears blur my journal page,
i’m so sick of being the strong one,
i’m so sick of hiding the frustration & rage.

Yet even now as I let my breathing shudder,
even as i feel lightning burn my heart within,
i shall never let another witness this darkness,
no… this darkness is too dark to share with them.

I must be the light for everyone else…
Oh God, i want so bad to just be weak.
Oh Hell, i know what that feels like now.
Oh escape is what i desperately seek…


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Irony of the forbidden journal part ONE.

*this is one of my darker pieces. If you read this, please read the explanation at the end of part TWO* thanks.–~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The fresh aroma of lavender
covered the stench of lies
The beautifully situated frames
stifled the chaos of ugly cries.

He was told to be a man,
suck it up, no one needs to know.
So what if daddy was angry?
mom deserved that hard blow.

She told him it was for his own sake,
Look around, this is paradise!
But despite every hand-carved statue,
he felt disdain for his privileged life…

He spent his nights searching
behind every tapestry hung wide,
maybe there would be a secret door,
he could escape from this life…

But, no, everything is pristine.
in that magnificent estate,
in his sickening lonely existence,
he had only one secret escape…

Years ago, he had loosened a brick
from their out-side courtyard fire place.
& lodged his forbidden secrets within
the journal he bricked into that space…

Now, he scurried out & removed the brick
& stealthily removed those precious pages
replacing the brick, he closed his compartment
& crept off, to his place to avoid their rages,

All the fear, anger, & disdain from within
flew onto the undiscovered book he held…
in which, he revealed & witnessed in ink,
all he had been forbidden to tell…

Slowly, the years passed for him.
new statues, & ornaments were bought,
& the perfect got more extravagant,
The horrors grew in the life he was caught…

he had learned to write in tiny little letters
but only had a few pages left in the binding.
At twelve years old, there was no one to stop him
& no one to read the plea he was writing…

As a cold night approached in gray darkness..
Bare knuckles cracked her imploring gaze,
A bottle crashed on the marble floor,
“how dare you to look at me that way!?”

He scurried, pale, scared, and angry…
there was a hateful fire burning within,
“where do you think you’re going?!”
Little boy had no one to protect him.

His journal was all he could think about
it was the only escape he’d ever found.
But a drunk & high angry lord followed
as he fled to retrieve his journal out…


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my Tears Burn Words Upon this Page…

Trembling in her heart
yet stony, petrified in body,
she pretended not to hear
or feel the echo of their calling

She wept in silent dread
and heard the volumes & anger grow…
wishing to hug them each into forgiveness…
how could they treat each other so?

Every happy family has its secrets
and, there is no exception in mine.
i never wish to cause another tear
& I shall never drink another glass of wine…

oh the casualties of this secret war
I never got to say goodbye or choose,
hopeless, I watched my life fall apart,
& never again can tell the whole truth.

a sting like that of salt on blood,
the bitterness, an open wound
ever bleeding poisoned fear,
ever burning, fate loomed…

Oh, God of Moses, I beg thee, hear!
A plea, from she who wishes to dissappear…

Oh, shameful surrender, I give thee my life
A shattered future, from the rubble, I rise..

And, honest, I cry my burning tears,
as words upon this crumpled page,
With fire they singe their way out…
the only witness to escape this cage.

I shake my head, in weak surrender
It will be a miracle if I survive this in the end
and I feel selfish to think of my heart now,
when the wounded soldiers of this war is them.

She was just a witness that night…
No knife was needed to cut her soul…
for all of this is more than enough
to ensure, I shall never again be whole.


Posted by on December 4, 2011 in (negative), introspective, life, Poetry


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