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Tag Archives: true story

trust issues, to let them shine, hurt, honesty, becoming me…. why i have to leave


i have trust issues.
I’ve known it for a while now. It takes someone years to gain it, & it’s almost just as hard to let someone i trust go as it is for them to have earned it in the first place.

I don’t trust new people anymore. I used to trust someone until they gave me a reason not to. Now it takes years, of seeing someone look out & care for me, in a way that isn’t beneficial to them at times.
It’s really hard, because I try putting on this tough face. I’m the girl who doesn’t need a guy. I’m the girl who has fun on my own. I’m the girl who’s been through shit but doens’t let it keep me down.
…but i’m not. that’s not me. In some supressed cavity of my heart, it all builds up for when the ice thaws…

————-

When I moved here, I really wanted friends. not just guys looking for dates, but girl friends, who i could trust & confide in. But, evidently when we went out, i caught too many of the guys eyes. & the girls stopped inviting me for a while. Later, i was told, they thought i was flirt. So i tried to stop. and i did. at the expense of becoming a bitch.

I meant to just do it around them, but it became habit. it was easier. it demanded respect. And before long, i didn’t know who this girl was. it was like the bitch i was in hs, but worse. part of me always wanted to be a bad ass. But let’s face it. I’m that naive ranch girl, who wanted to sneak out & go swing dancing. I was that hopeless romantic who almost ran away to be with a guy. Who fell for the wrong guy in 3 days for his blue eyes & blond hair & because he picked me out first… I was the one who read all the fairytales, and dreamed of being Pocahontas. and living in flower fields & singing to the beat of the wind. I was the one who longed for adventure. And a heart to conquer my own…

I hate romantic crap now. Because I used to love it, & it betrayed me. i thought family was forever. I thought sisters grew old together. i thought when someone said they loved you, they couldn’t leave anymore. And i thought i’d know what love was. I thought it would fall in place. None of it did. none of it came true. and now here i am the bitchy friend who tries to be mean to let her girlfriends shine. it started off for them, & it turned into a defense mechanism. To protect my heart from scarring. But now I see, I”m scarring those around me. I”m done being mean.

That’s why i need this adventure. I need to dream again. i need to believe in adventure. i need to know wonder again. i want romance. I do want love. If i can ever trust enough to believe in it.

I’m okay. I have an average voice. I have an average hair color. I have an average eye color. I have a below average height. I have a life with ups & downs… making it average as well, and i’m okay. But i miss being me.

the bad ass
the sweet heart
the nature nerd
the wandering 4 year old
the quite observer
the lost ranch girl in a city
the dancer in the shower
the lover of sparkles
the country music fan
the football walking encyclopedia
the slightly spoiled brat
the slightly crazy weirdo
the slightly annoying singing too loud
the slightly addicted to McDonalds
the slightly insomniac
the slightly OCD freak
the lover of dresses, camo, & denim
the adventurer
the pirate
the princess
the pocahontas
the way too honest friend
entirely average

thankfully, i have a few friends who i know are real. but friends who make u feel like u have to dull so they can shine, don’t let urself change for them. it’s harder to find yourself again, than you think.

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Angel pins and Moonlight


the long hikes up pikes peak,
the well loved guitar strings,
at red rocks, writing poetry
all the simple little joyous things…

taking pictures of the sunshine,
and dancing in the moonlight,
all the experimental recipes,
and eternally shopping for halloween…

all the songs you used to sing
and dying your hair between our sinks
there are too many triggers that beget
bonding memories, for me to ever forget… you

And anyone who says life is made up of a grand rise and demise
doesnt know what it means to loose your shadow and sunshine
for it is not the tragedy of great gravity I first recall…
no, that follows after all the sweet loving moments so small….

Sometimes it only takes an angel pin
sometimes it only takes a dandelion
sometimes, the greatest gift is just to listen
and sometimes, you won’t get another chance to give them…

so make every little moment count….

 

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enough… im not giving in…


ENOUGH WORLD!

the drama & the saga of a sad sad fail…
there is something tantalizing in a tragic tale…
all the lowly fighting on their way to the top
clawing & scratching, & letting each other drop

all the demotivating speeches of “just give in”…
but I’ve had enough! i’ve had a love! i shall find a way to win…
So don’t try tripping me down, I’ll turn it into a dance move…
don’t try throwing me with lies, I’ll read behind the lines to the truth…

I’ve had enough with talks of all i will never be…
but who made you judge? who stole your dream?
well this is mine & my life to live all the way around…
oh you can claw, you can drag… but you can’t take me down…

enough… i said i’ve had enough
i’m going…. i’m doing this…. if i fail, it will be
the most tragic drama of all!!!!
& everyone loves the story of a fall

 

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fishing in your eyes


holding my breath inside, i look into your brown eyes…
searching for your soul and what is written in your gaze
and i realize you are fishing within me too, to see what you find…
both of us are too proud to question or admit, what we’re asking with our eyes…

Oh did you just feel that spark when we kissed?
is this just me, or are you also falling in?
i want to know from you that you’ll commit…
promise me, I’m the only girl you’ll hold like this…

oh but, neither of us wants to be the first to dive
neither of us will speak with more than our eyes…
neither of us will be the first to put our hearts on the line…
oh but, I’m ready, if you’re ready to give us a real try…

 

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ex-innoncents


a kiss don’t mean nothing to some…
but for me it used to mean ‘i like only you’
i guess it’s not a lie for one of the first kind…
but to my little soul, it stung like salt on a wound…

i will never again believe a kiss is more than i know,
i guess i turned the tables on the world…
the innocent preying on the guilty players…
now i’m just a cold hearted cynical girl….

but i guess that’s how all the guilty players are…
ex-innocents getting their revenge on the system…
a vicious cycle supposedly centered on finding love,
maybe apathy is its own kind of wisdom…

 

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pool sides, and blood


wipe it all out make it al go away!
my mind is whirling down memory lane
i hear the words come out of my mouth like a curse
and see him turn around and shut his door…

and i’d never go home never go home again…

they found him in his pool of blood on marble floors
our skeleton wasn’t in the closet, but behind slammed doors…
sirens, red & blue lights, blurred into a regretful haze
while i was at a pool side, ignoring my phone that day….

be careful what you wish for
or what un-thought-out words you let stray
because the heart has no bone…
it’s a soft, fragile, and bleeding place…

and i’d never go home, never go home after that day.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in (negative)

 

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a cheap sticky countertop


a cheap sticky countertop
an empty vodka bottle missing the cap
a sick feeling in my stomach
and a repeat play list of gosh awful rap…

i felt so dirty i felt so sick
i couldn’t believe my life had come to this
he turned & whispered what most girls want
i stood up shaking… “don’t you dare call this love”.

 
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Posted by on March 4, 2013 in (negative)

 

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