the magical haze in our world.

Once upon there were fairytales. And there was magic. And there was wonder all around. It’s a world that still exists. It’s a world that moves and transforms. It’s more like a fog that is filled with mystery, excitement and shimmering lights within your soul.

Usually this magical fog only surrounds children, but every now and then, us grown ups get to share in the magnificence of this belief. This belief that there is more, and that it is spectacular. Perhaps when we dance on a warm summer night, or when we begin to fall in love, or when there is a moment that we just know was meant to be… the sparkling air tickles our hearts, and entices us into this world again.

I fell in love with this world, as a child. I’m sure my windowsill needed more paint than any other piece of wall, or even baseboard in our homes after we moved. I would lay my head and look up until my neck began to hurt from it. I would go to find swing sets and imagine i was flying, and i would climb up every tree, just to get closer to the sky.

I always knew that was where the magic came from; the sky, that is. The sky, and in water. in rainstorms, in rivers, in ocean tides, in sunsets, in rainbows, and in transforming clouds. Everything was possible.

I miss that world. I still look for it. But that magical haze comes not in a stressful pursuit of it, but in a peaceful submission that life happens and it’s beautiful anyway. I think we all miss it. We all want it.

I wonder if I’ll get to be a child again. What’s after this? is the haze the reality? is that distant magic actually a foreshadowing of the future? I hope so. I pray so. And in case it makes any difference, tonight i will wish so on a star…

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Posted by on May 1, 2015 in Uncategorized


silences and peace

There used to be peace in the silence
now, it’s static and unfinished lyrics that collide
there used to be trust in the promise of fate
now, it’s a cynical and sarcastic thought on the side.

I used to write poems four times a day,
about love and the feelings, and la la la,
and now i just can’t figure out what my heart wants,
and i can’t even say that it was anyone’s fault.

i just slept through the night of my northern lights,
i just, didn’t notice my shooting star as it flew by,
i just, jumped in the ocean, and let my boat float away,
thinking there’d be cruise ships if i just wait one more day…

oh time is a flirt and a hooker, at heart.
selling us moments that costs us our youth,
and wile, with certain moments come wisdom,
it hardly turns their false promises in the truth…

No Mr. Prince charming was not out there waiting,
no there was no love at first sight, or magic that night.
It wasn’t all about a game, and when you leave,
they won’t always follow, and it’s not always worth a fruitless fight.

So now, i take my magic beans and what’s left of my youth,
and try to haggle with time and wisdom to agree,
that while I may not deserve perfect or happily ever after,
I certainly have earned to have my silence filled with peace.

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Posted by on April 7, 2015 in Uncategorized


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Dear Lord… Sinfully, yours truly

OH, enter in the prayer i ought to speak,
oh, it’s been so long, since i truly believed.
and oh, i kneel here on sinful knees,
oh Lord, please come break my everything…

Oh oh Lord, I need you. and all the pain you put me through

take me to the altar,
sacrifice my strength
i’m a hollow nothing
outside of your way with me.

oh lord, i need you… and all the pain you put me through.

there was a time i mapped out my life
such a holy pride i held my head up high.
if only i had been humble enough to hold your hand…
but i was too young and naive to understand

it’s the brokenness, that rebuilds into strength.
it’s in the silence where wisdom comes to speak.
it’s in a humble love, that we must give away everything.
and in giving it all away, that we receive peace…

Oh Lord, I need you, and all the pain you put me through…

it’s a hard cold world, without your comforting touch.
it’s a double edged sword that screams that one is never enough.
it’s a hopeless race, bitterly regretting the dripping time,
and for every drop passing, I’ve lost meaning in my life…

and then there’s you. and then there’s your son,
and then there’s Mary and her rose garden of love,
and then there’s this honesty that breaks my hardened pride,
Oh Lord, crush all my plans, and make my life right…

All the money in the world, can’t buy me peace of mind,
and all the travels only make me yearn for someone at my side,
and all the success only makes me realize how empty it is,
without your plan, burning from the center of it.

Here at this place, i step forward emptily filled,
I’ve not lived the life, that i know you had willed.
tears aren’t enough, break my heart tonight.
i don’t need the world. i only need you in my life…

So wash my heart, and make it pure in your sight,
let it be as a lily, make it strong for the fight.
Help me love the imperfection, seeing traces of you,
Oh Lord take everything, and make it all new.

Oh Lord, I need you, and all the pain you put me through…

i need the strength, i need the softness, i need the truth.
i need to be reborn, feel the rush of grace and peace flowing through,
there is nothing greater, and you are the first and only i chose.
oh Lord, now i know, i need you. i’ve always needed you.

Hear the raw truth, there is nothing greater in this life
test it with your limited years, it will be a bitter waste of time.
and as an egg shell must break, for a bird to come forth,
Lord break the empty shell of my life, and make it so much more

God, for real.
i desire nothing more.
finally this time,
I’m sinfully yours.


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chart our stars, and melt my heart

in the silence, beats a whisper to the dark…
it’s the soft whimper of a slowly starving heart…
no longer desperate, it has outlived the war,
but it’s missing the hope it had before…

oh so unwise, after all this time,
indecisive and apathetically inclined.
i turn so cold, when i’m afraid,
lest i relieve all the frozen pain…

i want to love, make me a sun,
blaze in the day ricochet off the moon,
i want to awake, i want to flood,
let my walls and darkness come undone

a galaxy too expansive for me,
i couldn’t chose a brightest star,
but now i see, the truth of things,
the brightest depends on where you are…

So come close to me, i want your touch.
i want you to know my heart, my love.
melt the frozen blood, let me cry,
just stay here, at my wounded side.

and I will see your scars, and light your dark.
i will hold your hand, and make you a star chart,
we can dance, on earth it’s more than enough
our day has finally come to free us to be us.

i want my best friend, by my side.
the one who makes me smile any time.
i don’t need a star, or foreign mystery,
i just want to give you everything, all of me.


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My scars are the map to my heart

take my wrinkles, just try.
i know they say im young, only 25…
take all the anger, let it fly away
release it in whispers, while you just wait…

take my tears, don’t try to make them stop
just let me cry, tears can be so strong…

take my honesty, i know it’s raw…
i’m past sugar coating, all my flaws.
so take my dreaming, and take my fears,
let me give you all my many many cares.

take my folly, take my games,
take my intensity, it will fade,
but take it now, while it’s hot and here.
don’t try to make all the scars disappear.

my scars are the map to my heart.
my pain has become my strength.
my sorrows have become my laughs,
and my failures, my sympathy…

my losses, have become my knowledge
my fractures, have made me wise.
i no longer flirt with the devil,
but i’ll still challenge him each night.

my world has become a book,
set in a distant time and place.
my happy ending not written, nor guaranteed,
and i’m done running a fruitless race.

my wrinkles have become my beauty.
so take my flaws and love each one.
take my fear and hold me softly,
let me slowly come, and slowly love.

take my eyes and read my heart.
it’s a painful and tale, i wish not to repeat.
but when i open up don’t try to hush my cries,
let me release the weight i’m holding.

feel my sorrow with me.
feel hear my song written in the nights
when i couldn’t sleep and couldn’t dream.
when i couldn’t pray, and couldn’t fight.

take the empty journal pages.
i gave up on writing in the end.
my story was not one i want to tell anymore.
but, we could still write in them…

just take my pushing you away.
take my controlling crazy rants.
take my heart, and please just love it.
let me be crazy let me be flawed, just take the chance.

let me be me, scars and all.
take me, and i’ll take all of you.
if this is how i look at 25,
just imagine me at ninety two…

can you still love me then?
can you still take my reasonless rhyme?
love me or leave me, no trick or treat,
is your love ebbing, or is it growing with time?

i need to know if my scars are beautiful too?

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Posted by on March 26, 2015 in Uncategorized


New Year’s Resolution

1. publish collection of poetry
2. write a short story
3. publish short story somewhere
4. design website idea
5. apply and enroll in college again (try to begin this year,
6. maybe prepare for CLEP to test out of certain classes).
7. Prepare plans for next year, -chose roommate, area, and apply for jobs
8. Travel to Europe or Africa

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Posted by on February 2, 2015 in Uncategorized


What about the beautiful wrinkles?

What about an old cowgirl?
who will love all her wrinkles now?
all the cowboys are still getting chased,
while she’s out still chasing the cows…

She’s doing all the dirty work
the grit, the hurt, the mornings before dawn,
but with all the pretty young faces,
who’s there to stay up and listen to her song???

What about the world explorer?
the one who did peace corps and has seen war?
what about that poet who gave her youth
searching for answers, to write the truth?

Who is going to see her travelled skin,
and love it for all the places it has been?
She’s the story they will all love to read,
but the guys still go for a prettier young thing.

What about the single mother who tries
to raise the daughter he left behind?
with a heart stronger than steel
and 80 hour shifts to pay the bill…

Who’s going to notice her strength?
What guy will go buy a brand new ring?
Oh they are such a foolish lot,
men never know the love nor heart they’ve got….

And what about every woman with silver hair?
what about the 35 year olds who are single out there?
what about us girls who have hearts of gold,
…all the guys only want someone less than 25 years old…


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