teams

Do you ever wonder about the possibilities in life? And if it’s possible that HOW we are affects what we’ll become as much as WHO we are?

Do you ever get sick of sharing responsibility with people to have them take credit when it’s given, and throw you the blame when it comes? Do you ever get sick of explaining why and just want people to just do it for once without questioning? Doesn’t it bother you when people question your credentials, methods, ideas, experience, and even values? DO you ever just get sick of them all. and say screw it, then i’ll do it myself.

I know I sound so very sour. But it does get old. It feels like everyone else plays for the other team… Maybe because I never really let anyone on my team? WHat else should I expect?

You know, they say love is the most powerful thing. i guess it’s true that if you hate people, you really just give yourself grey hairs and angry nightmares, and probably heart problems over time. but if you love them, you can change the world. you can truly move its fate. One heart and hope over time. I mean, who takes advice from those who hate them? But how many people make their choices directly because of advice from those who love them, and they love?…

It takes strength. It takes hope. It takes patience. It takes humility. It takes resolve. It takes humor. Maybe it even takes a certain amount of naivety. These are really hard qualities to develop alone. You know, i guess if it were easy everyone would be loving, sweet, in love, and happy, blah blah blah… i’ve seen these people.

in fact, once upon a time, i even was one.

 

too late

the honesty inside my heart
insists on speaking out
this is not love, I know not what it is..
–
my selfish fear resigns a shrug,
“sooner or later, it shall be clear
besides, life for all shall still be lived…

who am i to say where feelings shall
or shall not lay a path someday?
why cut it off before one knows?
–
i mean once the checklist is met,
i might as well give my heart a chance,
to warm up and give love a go…”

i should just cut them loose,
but im too afraid of becomming one they hate.
i need to cut my way out of this,
but i fear it may already be too late.

 

the story it wasn’t supposed to be

this ain’t no story of beauty.
and it really isn’t a story of love
just a story of confusion and choices
that led us into this awkward hug…

because feelings are never really easy
and for me they are the hardest to name.
i never meant to hurt you or use you,
i didn’t realize that we were even playing a game.

but the spell i cast on your heart has
worn off and so has the spell on mine…
we both realize this whole thing is drama
and we’re just caught in the story line…

and i know you really think you still want me.
but i know it’s just to save your pride and your word.
said you were coming down here for a love story…
the end always feels like a punch in the gut and hurts..

can we just let this go like steam into the sky?
can we just pretend it never happened and be friends?
can you stop trying to win me back and just let us be?
can all these awkward hugs and words just finally end?

 

withdrawal from love

holding back my love
you’d been so addicted on…
i see you suffer withdrawal
as im halfway already gone…

he came in and stole a part
of the world we almost had
and i can’t make up my mind
and the storm clouds grew sad,

they furled down acid rain
and burned my beauty away.
they scorned my indecision
and whipped my heart with chains.

Now it bleeds for how i yearn
to both love and unlove both…
i see how much i’ve hurt them,
and i’d rather always be alone…

than ever hurt anyone again…
than to feel my gut wince…
as you strike it with begging words…
to please love you once again…

 

like all they ever said it would be…

it was a wall of shock that hit my heart
i couldn’t breathe when you looked into my eyes,
and a magnetic pull swept me closer to you
as my rationality tried to explain the insanity inside…

i had it all planned out, my mister safe on his way
and then i can’t find words. me, twister of speech…
it was like someone plugged in all my nerves inside,
and all i could do was shine and believe in everything…

It was like the magic of fireworks over a castle,
like just what my grandmother said back then,
when i least expected you to walk into my life,
and suddenly all the stupid cliche songs make sense…

it really was like you added color where it had been grey,
and you gave me dreams i’d never dare reached so far,
you literally had me hooked from the first day,
and i can’t get you out of my crowded mind…

these feelings are so powerful and unreal,
like nothing i’ve ever felt before, i swear.
i’m just so nervous that they will wear off,
and i shall be alone as i’ve always feared.

but life is a risk, and love is a choice.
living is a dare, and not to be feared.
playing it safe is over rated and undervalued
i had no idea this was real, that it was real.

and suddenly, all they ever said makes sense.
i just know it, i swear. i’ll marry you in the end.
and my heart is just crying out to be in your arms,
and my mind is still in shock trying to sort it all out.

 

lost in the world tonight…

i got lost in the world tonight…
started following random cobble stone streets,
flirted with a little danger,
and danced in the city breeze…

i wrote poetry in imaginary cursive letters
that I etched into the warm foggy sky
echoing with faint burst of indistinguishable sounds,
and bleeding with flickers of neon lights…

I slowly processed photographic memories
of intricate architecture and elaborate graffiti…
I felt the vibrations of the train soak through to my bones,
and watched all the people passively fight for space as we rode,

I felt invisible and out of the world
that I was walking within,
And while I suppose it was a bit reckless,
i can’t wait to get lost in the world again…

 

Written Truth

we need to stop being dancers on a stage.
Stop reciting lines and auditioning for fate…
we need to stop planning moves like a chess game,
using pawns to corner queens or call check mate,

Enough I quit, i can’t be this fake.
Life is too real. there’s too much at stake.
I’ve been lying to myself and to you…
I am not apathetic, i feel it all, i really do.

I don’t want to be their dancers on a stage.
I don’t want to hear them give us a score or a grade.
please, can you just take my hand and let’s go…
walk out of this script and into the unknown…

Let’s take off the costumes and armor we secretly wear,
to protect our pride from having any shame to bear…
honestly, it breaks my heart a little every time i hear
you question us, when i tell you my fears…

i really want you to just re-convince me we’ll be fine.
i want you to embrace me when there’s no one in sight
i want you to never need nor expect the world’s approval for us,
i really want you. i really want us. i really want to trust.

i really want you to never doubt us, no matter what may…
i really want you to tell any other girl you can’t because of my name.
i want you to defend us like a warrior fighting for my heart.
i wanted you to be patient and wait to rekindle that spark…

i want us to carve our own story in the stone of time.
i want it solid, i want it real, i want it genuine and right.
i want you to stop listening to words, and to hear my heart.
i want you to stop heeding the doubts and the insecurity of sharks

that feast on knowing they rule the waters of the sea.
i don’t care about dethroning fools, or spiting seductive thieves.
i don’t care about proving anyone wrong or right about anything.
honestly, all i care about, is if you really want this same thing.

Because when you doubt us, i still believe.
but it feels like whenever i doubt us, you want to leave.
i don’t want to hold you with charms or even with feelings ,
because charms wear off, and feelings are ever changing.

i need to know that when i doubt, you’ll be the strength.
that when i push you away, you come back and capture me.
i need to know that you aren’t just in this because of feelings.
i need to know that you are in this, because it’s where you want to be.

honestly, right now im the weakest ive been in my life.
and i’ve found it so hard to be vulnerable at this time.
im not writing this for the past, but to bare what i desire.
i want to really give us a chance, and stop flirting with fires.

I don’t ever want to use jealousy or competition for us
and i don’t want to have a reason to question our trust.
from the time you get here, if this is what you are ready for too.
let’s stop playing games, let’s stop questioning through…

and as for me, perhaps the greatest lie i’ve lived for the past few years.
is that i don’t know how to love, or that i don’t know how to care.
if you can truly be as real, and as genuine, as who i believe you are.
then i give you my word, eventually you could capture my heart.

For you’ll never find a heart that can go as deep or as far.
that can cling on to hopes that are no more than distant stars.
that can give, comfort, warm, hold, strengthen, and glow like mine
but i shall only go there once. so i’ve been waiting for the right time.

no seed bears fruits, nor flowers bloom, nor tree does grow
when it is out of soil, rain, and sunshine doesn’t glow…
no violin can play a song with half it’s strings,
let’s stop counting all the problems, and just fix these things.

and if my past has too many or too dark of shadows,
if you find my weaknesses outweigh all my strengths,
if you just want someone who is less of a battle to love
or even if you just decided that we aren’t meant to be.

please figure that out and tell me sooner than later.
it will hurt, but i can swallow it and i’ll find someone again.
i’d rather it be you. i’d rather really give us a real chance.
but i can’t be the only one who believes everything.

i know i think in riddles, rhymes, and take a lot of time.
i know you like to jump into action, and say how you feel.
but please think this one out in the depth of your heart,
and whatever you decide, come down and make it real.
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between hurt and rage

somewhere between the hurt and the rage,
a longing panic cried ‘don’t go away’…
somewhere between ‘please stay’ and ‘goodbye’
I was in shock, as i looked into your eyes.

because i don’t understand why…
was she more beautiful than me?
for those 3 minutes did you believe,
that we weren’t ever going to be anything?

Did you think i wouldn’t care?
but even then, i just don’t see how…
you could love me like you say you do
but kiss her 3 weeks before you move down.

So many stupid journal pages
I’ve scribbled on and on about you.
so many nights i spent just imagining,
that you were lying in my bed too…

and i’d been waiting and waiting,
and was just at the point when my cold heart melted
and decided to open up and trust
and i just hate how you did it, but im the one who got f***ed

im the one who felt it so wrong in my gut.
im the one who feels like im less for your wrong
im the one who questions what is love,
do i know you? you aren’t who i thought…

 

as close as i can let you come

i just want to scratch these scales off my back…
feel the burn as these cold hours pass….
i just want to dig the dark hole out of my gut…
throw it into the light and know what’s what…

I feel the laser beams sizzling by my ears,
as my body is suspended in mid air…
franticly trying to escape this foggy maze,
and all i know and all i have is your gaze…

i just want to lie to you, to find the truth,
i just want to run away, to see if you will too…
i just want to lock you out of my heart and cry
because it’s so very very lonely inside.

but i have a heart that cannot be loved
it’s too cold, it will shatter at your touch
i’m afraid, this is as far as i can let you come…
because i just really can’t do it, i just can’t really love.
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don’t change your plans again. just go.

Don’t feign concern in a text

after pushing me away…

don’t change your plans again

because now you’re afraid…

 

of course I”m really mad at you

of course im kind of pissed off too,

but don’t you dare try to ignore me,

don’t you dare try to avoid me…

 

if you can’t take me at my worst,

don’t expect to walk by me at my best

im sorry baby but don’t come unless

you’re ready for all the insanity i have left..

 

and if you’re just going to float a little farther

if you’re gonna act super busy when im stressed,

if you are going to accidentally wind up taking the long way home,

well just don’t bother coming back again…