i can’t believe it’s coming, it’s already here. within 72 hours, my first year of being a teacher will come to an end.

It’s 2:30 in the morning, and i need sleep more desperately than ever. And yet, I can’t stop my mind from buzzing all around. Is this what i want to do with my life? I’m passionate about it, but I’m a passionate person. Am I right for this?

What am I doing here? Here, on the other side of the globe, speaking a strange language every day, with friends I don’t intend on living near ever again once I leave. And I do plan on leaving… someday.

So how soon shall someday come? I don’t know. Maybe I’m just really bad at goodbyes. Maybe the time has already come. Or maybe not yet. Not yet.

 

desired stories

i was enraptured by the pages of books
i desired an adventure greater than captain hook’s.
I wanted a story filled with monsters and dreams
so I filled my life with drama, travels, and flings…

and so i got what i had so long desired…
and after the heartbreaks, the losses, and fires…
after the journeys, the loves, excitements, and lonely roads,
The problem with such a long story, is you lose your home.

 

memories to relive

cozy toes curled on soft carpeted floors on a winter night,
electrically charged sunrises over the mountain filled skies,
thick coffees, teas, and milky hot chocolate drinks,
friendly embraces and fire colored autumn leaves…

dewey dotted gardens filled with daily growing life
crimson roses that let their perfumes take loving flight
fireflies that dance on a texas summer night
and windy days filled with billowing distant kites…

Silky story book pages bleeding of color and worlds
filled with contagious adventures and magical girls.
campfires, and juicy berry cobbler served boiling sweet,
genuine smiles and hearts full of hopes in distant dreams…

never lose the wonder, never lose the peace,
never stop loving, and trying, and giving everything.
embrace every sunrise, and paint it’s details within,
hold every memory, to relive joyously again and again…

 

feelings are hard

it’s too late to be awake tonight
i’m feeling too old, and too young to fight.
i’m thinking thoughts and questions out loud
that have no answers to be made or found

Answers that can only be found by searching my heart
but, these feelings are hiding in some undiscovered part.
Perhaps i know not what love is, and shouldn’t let my heart try
to mettle in matters my mind clearly wants to decide.

My emotions by now are well trained and behaved
and have learned to feel what I approve and when i say,
so allowing feelings to run wild within my inner world,
is only chaos and confusion and indecisive squiggles and swirls.

I haven’t spent time enough going in reverse to have mastered,
how to recognize a feeling and make a decision thereafter…
It’s one thing to tell your heart a curfew and a threshold to try
versus knowing what this strange feeling in my stomach means this time….

 

Man, to get here…

Man, I just don’t give a care,
the longer i live the less it means, i swear…
all the status and accolades i used to need
now appear such shallow and empty dreams…

I’ve grown past needing to get even or be right,
it was a fruitless and exhausting fight.
i’m tired of spending nights counting wrongs,
they’re forgiven and set free like a voice in a song…

I’m sure I’m still ignorant and plenty naive
enough for yall to point fingers and make jokes at me,
so go ahead, i’ll just laugh and let it go,
get an extra smile, and be fine, because you know…

man, these days, i just don’t give a care,
it comes in on one side, then out the other ear,
i’m a good person, not perfect, but i’m okay.
and i know inside out, that won’t change with what you say.

the out-smarting, the bragging, and extra glamourous things,
are worthless and useless if you don’t care for high society,
I have realized how fleeting and hot burns their fire,
while, hardly worth holding, and self harming to aquire…

so nowadays, i don’t give a care
you can love me or hate me, or in my apathy share,
I’m genuinely happy forgiving, and with it all gone,
For the first time, I have really and finally moved on…

 

scary stuff

when we met i thought you were cute
then we hated each other for year or two
after falling apart, we fell for each other hiking every mountainside,
then we had a fight, and i left the country and you far far behind…

now we met again, and i feel so close to you.
like i know your thoughts, and i can trust anything you do.
it’s like we never fell apart. it’s like we just grew up
and what’s meant to be will be, and man, it’s scary stuff.

and i can’t shake the thoughts buzzing like a swarm of bees,
and i can’t stop imagining the past, the future, and everything…
and im so scared of love. and im sick with fear of you.
so stay away from me. because i can’t stay away from you.

 

Where hearts really beat

There are truths that lie
There are smiles that hide,
Where our hearts really beat,
Behind the words we speak…

When doubt shines shadows on hope…
And love is a stranger I don’t know…
Sometimes it’s easier to hold it in,
Than to acknowledge what it really is…

Like the greatest star that shines in the day
And how the fastest lessons come from play.
How the tallest mountain begins on the sea floor
And the greatest empire in history lives no more…

Sometimes the best things are out of place
So you and I are natural in a weird kind of way…

There are truths that I almost hide,
There are smiles and locked eyes,
But we both know despite everything,
Exactly for whom our hearts really beat…

 

late.

the past holds nothing but regrets,
of sweet loving memories that are no more,
of paths i should have taken,
and of forests i should have explored

i am no powerful person,
and my skin has begun to age
i am nothing extraordinary,
and i guess i’ll always be late.

i’m late to the carpool,
i’m late for a skype
i’m late for a date,
and i’m a few years late in life…