Drowning in an empty tub

She wouldn’t have noticed you, i’m sure.
but she know’s exactly what she has in you,
because her interest was officially spurred
when she followed my eyes to you across the room.

and i’m laying naked in an empty bathtub,
drunk on tears, and hungover on regrets.
too exhausted to bother turning the water on,
to clean up and pretend like i forget…

So you want me to come and see you
end up with the girl of your ‘dreams’
sent me an email and told me if you had known,
long before her, it would have been me.

And I’m swept into moments i let pass,
when a kiss would have sufficed to say
all that my words weren’t when i’d just laugh
so happy to just spend the time with you every day.

and it’s my fault i let it all go by,
you thought we were friends, and decided it was fine.
i should be happy, even if you’re not mine…
maybe, i’m not your friend anymore this time.

i just feel like a stranger.
i just feel like a lost girl.
and she looks like a barbie
and im caught in barbie world.

i sit up, and let hot water steam all around.
clean up, do my hair, my make up all sweet,
guess, i’ll show up, and pretend that I
that I am okay, that i’m okay with everything…

 

too much coal

There is a darkness to my soul that is soaking in
a coldness that makes me back away again…
they can’t be trusted, i never should have opened up,
build more solid walls, turn away from their love…

i’ve tried so hard to forgive and to let go and be soft
but the magma boils in my heart and my words become lost
the one who i wanted so badly to love me and to be proud
is the one who seems to have an agenda to bring me down…

so love your pretty little lies you carved into the photo book,
to church, wear a pretty dress and your most reverent look.
While I apply sparkly pink eye shadow and charm the elite,
i’ll float around claiming we are a perfect mother daughter team…

but behind the giggles and closed doors, and empty emails exchanged,
there is the dark past, with ghosts and wicked roars of rage,
a chilling lack of satisfaction and an empty black hole
forget the healing, there’s too much baggage, too much coal.

 

what you really meant to say

don’t serve me lemon ice cream
don’t fill my thoughts with your dreams
don’t tell me i’m just like the one
the one you’ve always dreamed of

yet you never just say what you mean

or maybe you really did
and what you meant is that i’m not it.
in which case, why not just say goodbye,
instead of dancing around a committed reply?

it’s like i’m talking to myself…

and every time i remember our talks i frown,
with renewed frustration at the sound
of how you always made me feel like so much less
and yet i always wanted to prove i was your best…

and i still wanted you.

 

the fan and the floor

and this is where i’ll leave your memory to rot
stop asking me to come back so we can half ass this more,
i’m sick of making up in my head what we’ve got,
cuz somewhere or another the fan flung our shit on the floor…

and i’m so glad, we ended like we did…
so glad i remembered why i had to get over it…
im so glad, i don’t feel the need to be friends
glad i was honest, and told you it all was pretend.

now it’s too late, for you and me to go
please just let me never see your face ever again.
please let’s just admit what they predicted long ago,
there’s nothing that we have to explain or defend

 

don’t tempt the inner goddess

Don’t feed the inner dragon,
no matter how hot the fire he may breathe…
Don’t tempt the inner goddess,
with golden apples or a dual of manipulative strength,

Don’t tempt the inner princess,
with lands, jewels, and magic of afar,
don’t tempt the inner dreamer,
with maps to treasures, spells and stars…

Don’t tempt the beauty…
Don’t tempt the beast,
don’t tempt the darkness,
don’t tempt me.

You think you know my little tricks,
you think you have my riddles solved,
you think you and your clever little self,
are so very much more evolved…

But I breathe fire of the deep,
i’ll sink ships and burn Troy if i’m not more pretty,
i’ll trade my realm, possessed with wanderlust,
and i’ll charm the darkest into a sinful trust…

I’ll break your little world apart.
i’ll wound the sky with my sword,
Don’t dance with or lie to my inner monster ,
it is a wrath like that you’ve never seen before…

 

between hurt and rage

somewhere between the hurt and the rage,
a longing panic cried ‘don’t go away’…
somewhere between ‘please stay’ and ‘goodbye’
I was in shock, as i looked into your eyes.

because i don’t understand why…
was she more beautiful than me?
for those 3 minutes did you believe,
that we weren’t ever going to be anything?

Did you think i wouldn’t care?
but even then, i just don’t see how…
you could love me like you say you do
but kiss her 3 weeks before you move down.

So many stupid journal pages
I’ve scribbled on and on about you.
so many nights i spent just imagining,
that you were lying in my bed too…

and i’d been waiting and waiting,
and was just at the point when my cold heart melted
and decided to open up and trust
and i just hate how you did it, but im the one who got f***ed

im the one who felt it so wrong in my gut.
im the one who feels like im less for your wrong
im the one who questions what is love,
do i know you? you aren’t who i thought…

 

next time, treat her like a lady

you started off sweet always calling her baby
then the mean itched in with smug little sayings,
with advice that made her feel like a small town nobody
then you offered to show her the world, and gave her nothing…

she went from glowing like angel in the southern fields,
to blending into the gray of your shadow in the street…
she ain’t showin’ it, but somewhere deep down, she bleeds,
because man, you just ain’t treatin’ her like a lady.

makin’ her wait in the car, and open her own doors,
don’t ask her about her days, just brag about all of yours,
and you stopped singing her songs, and holding her hand,
and you got a small little group of girls, strung along for a chance…

you’re a mean mister who’s got an ego bigger than this town.
you only wanted her so you could make yourself the brightest star around.
but pretty soon she is gonna have enough and break out…
she’s an angel, and if you won’t, someone else will help her figure that out…

you started off sweet, always calling her baby…
man, someday you’re gonna wish you had treated her like a lady…
when she’s glowing in the Texas sunset on a painted hillside…
kissing her cowboy, who holds her tight to his strong side…

and they ride away.

 

want you to feel like me

I used to write songs for you and I
I used to dream in vivid colors of our future life
And as it fades away, into an inky tearful night,
I want nothing more, than to look at you & lie…

I wanna say I never thought we’d work anyway
I wanna lie & say I am so over all those yesterdays
I wanna say that I was just waiting for you to break…
I wanna lie, save my pride, and save my face…

But this time, you should really hear
All the anger, hurt, and wasted tears,
Want to make you feel as insecure as I do here,
And strip you of all I gave you these years….

Want to make your pride sting and your ego bend,
I hope you feel ugly and totally unwanted,
I hope you feel used and abused and then…
I hope you never get over it in the end…

But more than anything,
I want you to really see,
Just what a cold hearted bitch
That you have made of me.

——-
for a friend who is going through a divorce

 

the first break up’s end…

i convulsed & shriveled into my bed
punching feathers in vain
the whole street knew who was to blame
from the piercing cries of your name…

then i scooped through 2 Walmarts of ice cream
and bent 20 ears with how i still loved you
and it was after the 23rd load of tearful laundry
that i realized you really just weren’t worth this ado

i swore i’d never love again until
i knew that he could never break my heart
and i’ve been pretty keen on that promise
but i’ve also been good on extinguishing sparks…

 

sometimes lightening brings no rain

sometimes the heart does lie
sometimes lightning brings no rain
sometimes a spark won’t start the fire
and sometimes true love is in vain…

some words may stay unspoken
and some dreams never pursued
some stars may never be wished on
and I’m pretty sure, i’ll never have you