Drowning in an empty tub

She wouldn’t have noticed you, i’m sure.
but she know’s exactly what she has in you,
because her interest was officially spurred
when she followed my eyes to you across the room.

and i’m laying naked in an empty bathtub,
drunk on tears, and hungover on regrets.
too exhausted to bother turning the water on,
to clean up and pretend like i forget…

So you want me to come and see you
end up with the girl of your ‘dreams’
sent me an email and told me if you had known,
long before her, it would have been me.

And I’m swept into moments i let pass,
when a kiss would have sufficed to say
all that my words weren’t when i’d just laugh
so happy to just spend the time with you every day.

and it’s my fault i let it all go by,
you thought we were friends, and decided it was fine.
i should be happy, even if you’re not mine…
maybe, i’m not your friend anymore this time.

i just feel like a stranger.
i just feel like a lost girl.
and she looks like a barbie
and im caught in barbie world.

i sit up, and let hot water steam all around.
clean up, do my hair, my make up all sweet,
guess, i’ll show up, and pretend that I
that I am okay, that i’m okay with everything…

 

So shall end my war.

I just want my heart to love,
but have a heart that fights…
it guards and battles breaks and pain,
but it brings its own type of demise…

I just wanted to be soft and sweet
like my childhood when i trusted.
but time hardens and leaves cuts,
like sweet rain leaves doors rusted…

and i may be alone and angry inside,
i may live in my own storm of lies…
i may allow my demons to stay alive,
and i may insanely fight the same battle another time

I may bathe in my own fire and tears,
i may distrust before they have the chance to care,
and i may live in a sort of constant fear,
but deep beneath, a hope lives here.

Deep below the dirty ground of blood,
and the skeletons that scared me into hiding under my bed,
where it is too quite to hear the chaos above,
there is a faith, that shall not be one counted as dead…

and the wars and storms i’ve called to rise,
swirl around in the winds of cheap compromise,
but when i overthrow the kingdom of my life,
it shall be ruled with peace, as love the prize.

Thinly painted on the surface, and buried at my deepest core,
my sanity lives, and is remembered as strongly as before.
Someday the flashes of rage, and resentment well-worn,
shall fall apart, and surrender to grace, and so shall end my war.