Epic double sword

A mysterious hope for demise or salvation, is all i can afford
my double lifes are cut deep into the edges of my soul’s sword…
a dark heart plotting demise & crushing humanity’s ways
versus the sweet subtle hope i find glowing in simple praise…

I’ve become too complex to decode my own heart
with spontaneous fires and storms, in waters i can’t chart…
i don’t know which side of me is wrong & which is right,
all I know, is that soon there shall be an epic fight…

 

why do burns keep their sting?

Why does it all have to cut so deep?
why does the burn have to keep it’s sting?
why does it feel like every word turns into a bruise?
i just miss being close to you….

and you raise your voice just to make me hear
but i can’t hear you after that over my fear
how have you & I changed so much from how it used to be?
it’s like we can’t figure out what the other is saying…

we used to stay up playing cards
till the middle of the night,
now we stay up just to fuss
or to end up having some awful fight…

used to join you on car rides
just sing country songs with you
now you’re using it as leverage
to force me to do what you want me to…

I used to think you could never be wrong,
you had all the answers to life
but now everything seems like we’re out of sync
& this definitely doesn’t feel right…

i just want to feel like you love me again
but i can’t figure out how to tell you through the tears
over the fighting & debating & gritted teeth,
our old hearts are lost, & it’s two new people standing here…

 

quest to knock on your door…

I mean, how wrong could i really be?
whether a closed iron door, or opening to destiny…
i just don’t see any good reason not to knock…
And at this point there is nothing that can make me stop…

Opportunities lost, are tearful indeed…
but don’t mourn one until it’s death is seen…
And when it is merely lost in action, as you to me…
then set on a quest to find, once lost, opportunity

i’m really nervous of failing, but i have to know what it is…
are our chances lost? or could you love me again?

 

don’t ever change…

Two years since you’ve even seen me…
But i still sit here, remembering fondly…
how you came in & stole my heart…
the prince charming who left me unarmed…

Don’t ever change, beautiful spirit,
don’t ever stop laughing & teasing away,
don’t ever stop believing one of us crazies
has a chance at being normal someday….

Keep dancing over frozen rivers…
drive that lucky next girl out under the stars
go ahead & scare her with ghost stories…
until she jumps, like i did, into your arms…

You did everything right, so don’t change…
you’ll find love in time, i’m sure it will for you
you have no idea how deep & far i fell for your soul
So download her favorite songs on your ipod too…

go ahead & drive her on a road trip south
with no destination but to find your way into her heart…
Raleigh still has that magic it did that night
when i almost kissed you, then pushed us apart…

never change… you won the girl over all right
and if i ever got the chance you know that i’d
run into your arms & kiss you just in case
you would ever still want to be my mr. right…

 

child, YOU are the fool

So you think you know love, oh dear
So you think you can save my cynical soul…
Leave me alone if you please Mr. weird,
For I am the expert, & you are the fool…

You are the fool who calls himself ‘romantic’
You are the fool who believes in ‘first sight’
You are the fool who thinks that ‘forever’
Is made up of cliché feelings and rhymes…

I am the expert who has dated many a man
Who statistically speaking, had followed a plan
Bitterness and guilt mixed with anger and hurt pride,
Oh foolish boy, I have the right to patronize….

 

be true to you / do it right

if we’re going to do this, then let’s do this right…
come to talk to my father and ask him permission,
if we’re going to do this, let’s stop acting like we don’t care….
because love is so much more than a daily pension…

open the door for us to walk through,
be a man and you’ll see what this woman can do…
but more than formalities and what needs to be done,
first promise me that you are being true to both me & to you…

that this is truly what your heart wants..?

 

Survivor; try me.

I’m definitely the weakest.
but i always will survive.
maybe just scratch by,
but alive is still alive…

You ask me if i’m ready
to really add something more
i can’t help but kind of laugh
shrug & mumble, “sure”…

Try me.

i’m like that scrawny kid
who just doesn’t know when to give up
And whenever the school bully punches him
he just falls, then get’s back up….

Try me.

i’m like a piece of grass,
you can step on me again & again;
but a heart shall never break,
as long as it knows how to bend…

Try me.

I may look like I know nothing
about life or hard times,
but, let me give you a quick taste,
just a small dose of my life…

I’ve been stranded in the Rocky mountains,
I’ve lived in a Mayan village for weeks…
I survived being held at gun point…
All of a sudden, im not feeling so weak…

I’ve gone through family tragedy,
watching a brother & a sister both try
to steal their lives from the world…
And, never once in public did I cry…

I came down with Scarlet Fever
& pneumonia at the same time,
but just like when i had two dear friends die,
I always find a way to survive.

I’ve lived on my own before,
working graveyard shifts to make ends meet,
it was nothing glamorous at all,
but i made enough for rent & food to eat.

I’ve had my share of being mistreated
by guys in ways i won’t write.
i’ve had my share of leaving all those
i love & moving on with my life…

I’m not saying that i do it perfect,
i’m not even saying that i do it right.
all i’m saying is that I can do it…
All I’m saying, is that I survive.

After all, I have already been tried.

 

wont be just another kiss…

Sorry, but even if I wanted to
I’m gunna have to say no.
I wasn’t going to elaborate,
but if you have to know…

I won’t be just another girl you kissed

I really am cool with ‘just friends’.
& I know you’ll probably never miss,
nor read our text chats ever again.
but at least you never stole my kiss..

u call it ego, you call it pride,
i call it classy & dignified.
I’m not easy & i wont do flings
sry if i led you on, but games aint for me…

So, let’s just shake hands
& go our separate ways
both as good,
as when we first came.

Despite the tiny risk
that this is the best i can get,
I’m not just a shoe in the store,
I deserve better than this.

I”m valuable and worthy,
to be cherished & earned…
I’m not shutting you down,
& you’re not getting burned…

I just happen to know
how ‘giving it a try’
does change everything,
& don’t ever turn out right…

written around- December 2010

 

Heart on a TIME-OUT!

Look I’m sorry for being so honest,

I’m sorry, but the blunt truth,

is that I can’t go on being your friend,

because I think I”m in love with you…

–

I still haven’t responded

to what your text or email said

& I can’t call you back

for fear of my heart trumping my head.

–

I miss your laugh & the catch in your voice…

I miss you forcing me to tell the truth.

I miss your stupid jokes, & teasing,

But most of all, i just really miss you…

–

the craving, yearning, is just weird

& i’m way too embarrassed to admit

how often I think of you and wonder

how you did this to me, darn-it!

—

It’s torture, because I’m leaving.

& I want you here, right now!

And this song better stay secret

cuz my heart is on a time-out!

—

It’s not allowed to love you,

It’s the wrong time & place.

but, it’s not not listening to my head,

or what my better sense may say!

—

“Don’t you dare love him!!!

Don’t you dare fall!”

what a fool I am again!

but i wish i could give him it all.

—

I’m sure he’s moved on..

& so should I!

but, to be honest with me,

I also know that’s a lie…

—

It scares me to death,

he can see right through…

get me to tell everything,

think of the damage he could do!

–

Besides, I’m moving.

so it’s irrelevant anyhow!

I really should get better

at keeping my heart on it’s time-out…